Sharing Power

In yesterday's post I mentioned power as one possible payoff of low desire - i.e. using low desire as a means of controlling when sex takes place. It's a good example of the unhealthy maneuvering that goes on in relationships when there is an imbalance of power.

Sex can only be joyful and mutual when it takes place between equals - and that means both participants feel a sense of power in the relationship. It means that you each feel valued and respected by the other and that you each feel able to get your important needs met in the relationship. You each keep your voice and share in decision-making. When power is shared, differences in sexual desire are addressed directly and there is mutual acommodation.

Shared power eliminates a lot of manipulation, passive-aggressive behavior, and other forms of acting out. If you feel disempowered in your relationship, think about how you can begin to claim the power that is rightfully yours.

The Payoffs of Low Desire

If your desire has taken a hike, you probably don't view it as a gift. But strange as it may seem, there may be some benefits hidden in your low desire. If you're having trouble getting motivated to do anything about your low desire, there's a pretty good chance that you're getting something out of staying exactly where you are. Identifying the possible payoffs of staying stuck can help you get unstuck.

Low desire may protect you from being too vulnerable in your relationship. You may feel safer when there's limited intimacy. It can also be a step out of powerlessness by exercising some control over when sex occurs. It can be an opportunity to express anger toward your partner without direct confrontation. It can be a passive form of punishment.

Do you recognize yourself in any of the above scenarios? When you become aware of unconscious payoffs of maintaining low desire, you can choose what you want to do about them.

Affairs

If you're in a relationship in which your partner has had an affair, you may be struggling to put that betrayal behind you. The process of healing, forgiving, and rebuilding trust is very difficult and may require the help of a therapist.

Sometimes even when you feel like you've forgiven your partner, it can be hard to restore sexual intimacy. Just being sexual with your partner can bring up painful memories and cause a shut-down in your ability to be sexually responsive. You may replay movies in your head of scenes you imagine having taken place between your partner and the other person. Or maybe you still don't feel safe enough with your partner to completely let go and be in the moment.

If your sexual relationship is suffering from old wounds that haven't completely healed, it's important to talk to your partner about the problem. Ask for patience - and ask for anything else that might help you feel safer and more trusting. You may need to take a step back and proceed very gradually to restore sexual intimacy. Go back to therapy if needed - but take the time to truly heal. Stuffing your feelings or carrying a load of resentment could shut down your sexuality for years to come.

Skipping the Late Late Show

More research on the effects of insufficient sleep indicate that sleep deprivation is a much more serious problem than we've previously believed. A recent issue of Current Biology reported that it's more than learning, memory, and concentration that are impacted by a lack of sleep - there's also a huge increase in emotional reactivity due to a shutdown of the prefrontal lobes in the brain. That translates into distorted perceptions and exaggerated responses to negative experiences.

What that means is that shorting yourself on sleep creates more than sex-zapping fatigue. It means that you might be over-reacting to the little irritating things your partner does - which can also zap sexual interest.

Not getting enough sleep negatively impacts your body, your emotions, your mind, your relationships and your spirit. Remember that the next time you're tempted to tune into the Late Late Show.

Remembering Mint Chocolate Chip

In yesterday's post, I talked about planning a more special sexual adventure on a monthly
basis - something other than the comfortable, predictable sex that is probably more the norm in your relationship. The value of occasionally creating more intense and varied sexual experiences (even if it's less than once a month) goes beyond the pleasure derived from those sporadic encounters. Because our brains work by association, a fantastic sexual adventure infuses new energy into your sex life for months - or even years- to come.

Try introducing some creativity into your sex life - then revisit those memories whenever you need to stir up some passion. The excitement generated now by creative sexual experiences can pull you out of the sexual doldrums when creativity is in short supply.

Vanilla vs. Mint Chocolate Chip

Do you feel like a failure for not having exciting, television kind of sex? Or feel like the hum-drum sex you have with your partner means the zest is gone from your relationship? You may suffer from an unrealistic set of expectations when it comes to the quantity and quality of sex in your life.

If you're the lower desire person in your relationship, how much sex do you think it would take to satisfy your partner? Maybe you think it's every day, but have you asked? If you and your partner together can set a concrete goal in the sexual arena, then you both know what you're working toward. Let's say you decide on once a week for the frequency. Most of those sexual encounters will probably fall in the vanilla ice cream version of sex - comforting and soothing but not terribly exciting. Then maybe you set another goal of having mint chocolate chip kind of sex at least once a month where you aim for some variety and a more intense flavor. Who knows? You may discover you like mint chocolate chip so much that you want to have it a little more often!

Time Apart

I've talked a lot about the importance of nurturing the relationship with your partner - spending time together, recapturing a sense of fun and playfulness, and staying connected through conversation and physical affection. But it's also important for both you and your partner to have a life apart from one another.

When you each have your own interests and activities that fill you up, you're less likely to expect the relationship alone to make you happy. Time apart gives each of you something to bring back to the relationship and keeps life more interesting. Too much togetherness can lead to boredom and leave you wondering what to talk about.

So if you want to keep your passion primed, preserve your own identity and plan some separateness to fuel your togetherness.