"Come on....."

Women often ask me why men are so "hung-up" on oral sex - which usually means they want to know why guys want it so much. The question may reflect more discomfort with the act than real curiosity, but I'll start with exploring the latter.

It's really not surprising that oral sex ranks high on the list of most men's favorite sexual activities. The lips, mouth, and tongue are well-suited for stimulation of the sensitive nerve endings of the penis. In addition to feeling great, receiving oral sex provides exciting visuals and affords men the luxury of a more passive sexual role. What's not to like?

Some women feel powerful in pleasuring their partner orally and find their own passion building as they increase their partner's arousal. Other women feel subservient when performing oral sex or are simply uncomfortable doing it. Tomorrow I'll talk more about that discomfort.

Banning Anxious Thoughts

In order for most women to enjoy sex, they need to learn to relax, let go of control, and focus on pleasurable physical sensations. Anxious or extraneous thoughts break concentration and disrupt the trance of increasing arousal.

Because most women are easily distracted sexually, they must train themselves to focus and shut out the outside world. Without that focus, women can easily lose their arousal and find themselves back at square one. So how do you stay focused?

Women need to pursue sexual arousal and/or orgasm as single-mindedly as they pursue any other goal that is important to them. It's about taking charge and thinking the thoughts that enhance arousal. If you're not thinking sexy thoughts, the dishwasher that needs to be emptied is likely to jump in to fill the void. If the dishwasher does pop up, you yank your attention back to the sexual landscape. Initially this may take some effort, but you'll get better with practice. Being sexually present is a skill that's well worth practicing.

Anxiety and Women's Sexuality

Do you ever find yourself in the middle of sex, wondering whether you locked the back door and if you have something ironed to wear to work tomorrow? Or maybe you suddenly remember the garbage cans that need to be put out for tomorrow's pickup? It's an unusual woman who hasn't experienced unwelcome thoughts during sex that disrupt the flow and spoil the mood.

If you're one of the millions of women who experience chronic anxiety, that experience may be the norm rather than an occasional occurence. Racing and intrusive thoughts are a major block to sexual enjoyment. Women's sexual pleasure is largely dependent on the ability to focus on sexual sensations, relax, and let go. Anxious thoughts keep that from happening.

It's important to seek treatment for anxiety problems that interfere with your ability to function and enjoy life. Anxiety disorders respond well to cognitive behavioral therapy. I'll post tomorrow on tips for managing the worrying thoughts and the wandering mind that have the power to shut down your arousal response.

Perimenopause

Over the past eight months, I've talked about a lot of factors that negatively impact desire - everything from sleep deprivation to resentment. But for women, there's also biology to contend with in the battle to maintain sexual feelings. Long before menstruation stops and menopause begins, women often start experiencing decreased desire.

The average age for the onset of menopause is 51. The buildup, however, often begins in the mid-thirties. That's the period of time called perimenopause, and it signals the onset of hormonal changes. The first change is a decline in progesterone followed by a decline in estrogen. Testosterone levels also begin declining but may vary from one month to the next. Since testosterone is significant in driving desire, women may feel very sexual one month and very uninterested when the next month rolls around.

Understanding the changes going on in your body is important in maintaining a sense of yourself as a sexual person. The decline in hormones will only dictate your sexual life if you hand over the reins. Actively nurturing your sexuality and keeping sex a priority will trump hormones every time.

Spring

The rain may be dampening your spirits along with everything else in sight, but it's hard not to feel some cheer in the brilliant yellow of the forsythia in full bloom. It's the season of rebirth.

If your sexual feelings have been lying dormant for awhile, spring is a great time to wake things up a bit. There's new energy and a sense of lightness this time of year that you can harness to renew your sex life. Just getting outside and taking a walk can make you feel more alive. Let yourself remember new love and new beginnings - then draw on the memory to re-create
fresh passion in your relationship.

I'm taking some time off for spring break. I'll be posting again on Monday, April 14th.

Putting It On Paper

If you've stalled out or been shut down trying to talk to your partner about sex, you might want to try writing instead of talking. Writing has several advantages. Sometimes it's just easier writing things than it is saying them. Writing also gives you a chance to think carefully about your message and do revisions as needed. Your partner isn't pushed for an immediate response which can reduce the chances of a defensive reaction. And, your partner may take you more seriously when you've taken the time to put your thoughts down in writing.

There's power in the written word. Something in black and white just has a different credibility than the spoken word. In the reading and re-reading of a letter, there's more opportunity for a message to sink in. Just be sure that you take a positive approach. Complaints and criticism are even less effective when written than they are when spoken.

Share your desire to be closer. Ask for what you want. Take ownership for your part in the problems and state your willingness to work on yourself. Putting it on paper can be a powerful starting point for change.

April Fool?

I can't imagine going through life without humor and laughter. Laughing easily and often is probably my most important tool for managing stress. However, I've never been a big fan of April Fool's Day. I think it's because tricks and pranks are performed at someone else's expense, and I usually don't find that kind of humor especially funny. Don't get me wrong - I've done my share of laughing at practical jokes. When the joke is good-natured and the recipient has a natural ability to laugh at him/herself, I'm often the one laughing the loudest. But being in the position of 'fool' is not always a laughing matter.

Think about how you use humor with your partner. Do you frequently get an angry response to your joking comments? Do you find yourself saying "I was only kidding!" on a regular basis? Do you tell funny stories about your partner at parties that feel anything but funny to your partner? If you answered 'yes' to any of these questions, you're damaging the intimacy in your relationship. In order for sex and intimacy to thrive, there has to be emotional safety. The risk of hurting your partner is never worth an easy laugh. Laughing at your partner is the surest way to be an April 'fool'.