Sex Scale

While in the hospital recovering from knee surgery, I was frequently asked to rate my level of pain on a scale from 0 to 10. It seemed like a weird question in some ways since pain is such a relative thing. I'm sure my '8' might rate a '4' from a real pain-hardy type - and how could a number really describe what I was feeling anyway?

Of course, the numbers are not meant to be an objective, accurate measure of discomfort. It's simply a way for medical personnel to get an idea of how each individual is tolerating the pain, and to assess improvement - or lack of improvement - as the healing progresses.

Rating your sexual interest on the same kind of scale can be a convenient, short-hand way of communicating with your partner and negotiating differences in desire. For instance, when there's an opportunity for sex and your partner's interest is an 8 and yours is a 5, your partner may be willing to go the extra mile to help increase your desire. However, if you rate your interest closer to a one or a zero, your partner may easily defer sex for another time. But it needs to work in reverse, as well. Knowing your partner's interest is a 9 or a 10 may help motivate you to ramp up your own desire.

Communicating sexual interest with numbers can bring more clarity to sexual discussions and help depersonalize desire differences.

Desiring Desire

I often talk to people who want to have a better sexual relationship but don't want to put effort into it. What they want is to feel spontaneous desire again. In other words, they want to want sex.

For some, wanting sex is as natural as breathing. Tired, sick, stressed - through it all, they never lose their sexual drive. But for many others, a strong sex drive is experienced primarily during the intense romantic phase of a new relationship. When that romantic phase begins winding down, so does their sexual interest.

There's no magic formula for creating spontaneous physical desire. If you're waiting for a lightening bolt of passion to make you want sex, you're probably going to be waiting a long time. But you have a lot of power in becoming a more sexual being and making sex a joyful part of your life. Working toward that outcome is the first step toward wanting sex.

Alternative Stories

The stories you tell yourself about why your sex life is bad, boring, non-existent, etc. play a big role in keeping you stuck exactly where you are. The stories may have you playing a starring role as a victim - a victim of lost desire, a victim of your partner's pressure or insensitivity, a victim of a lousy relationship. There are two problems with these stories: they may not accurately reflect the real issues and they fail to point to solutions. You may feel entitled to your victimhood, but it leaves you absolutely powerless to change anything.

When you notice yourself entertaining victim thoughts - which usually start with a harsh interpretation of your partner's behavior - it's helpful to consider alternative stories. Is sex all your partner really cares about or is their sexual interest a bid for connection? Is your own desire truly 'lost' or have you shut down sexually due to stress, exhaustion, or unmet needs in the relationship? Does your lack of desire for your partner mean you're no longer attracted to them or is it fallout from their recent bout of unemployment?

Telling a different story about the problem is the first step in identifying solutions.

Storytelling

If you've been reading this blog for awhile, you've probably noticed that I often refer to the 'stories' that people tell themselves about situations or about a partner's behavior. It recently occurred to me that it might be helpful to explain that concept in more depth.

Human beings are constantly absorbing information from their environment - listening, observing, and taking the pulse of whatever is going on around them. But they don't stop at information-gathering. They interpret the data in a way that makes sense to them, given their life experience up to that point. In other words, they assign a particular meaning to why something has happened. That is the 'story' which, in our egocentric way of experiencing the world, we often confuse for the 'truth'.

The stories you tell yourself about what it means when you lack desire for your partner or what it means when your partner isn't sexually interested will play a major role in how you feel and how you go about addressing those issues. I'll post more on that tomorrow.

If You Loved Me, You Would...

There are a million and one ways to complete the sentence, "If you loved me, you would.....". Like 'you'd quit leaving your dirty socks on the floor', 'you'd buy me a diamond necklace', 'you'd come home from work earlier', 'you'd lose weight', etc. etc. Or maybe you think if your partner really loved you, he or she would always be eager for sex, regardless of what else might be going on.

People who equate love with sex feel abandoned when their partner isn't interested in getting it on. More than just a bruised ego or hurt feelings, abandonment feels like you've been left in the dust. That puts a lot of pressure on a partner to deliver whether they feel like it or not.

It's dangerous to assume that sex equals love - or vice versa. Your partner may be tired, hurting, depressed, or any number of things that have nothing to do with you. Even the most loving couples aren't always going to be on the same page sexually. Love allows for differences in desire and doesn't over-interpret those differences.

Recalculating - Part 2

Yesterday I suggested sitting down with your partner and assessing your progress toward joint sexual goals. Part 2 involves an examination of your individual goals.

If you're the lower desire partner in your relationship, you may have challenged yourself to take a more active role in nurturing your desire. If life has continued to get in your way and you still find yourself too stressed, too distracted, and too busy to pay attention to your sexuality, it's time to re-evaluate your goals or get more committed to making lifestyle changes.

Just as it's important to avoid criticism and blame with your partner, it's important to spare yourself the same. Beating yourself up just ends up being disempowering which works against change. Identify what's keeping you stuck and create a more modest goal if needed. The idea is to nudge rather than force yourself in the direction of change.

Recalculating

If you made some sexual resolutions for the new year, this is a good time to do a check-in to see how you're progressing. It's helpful to schedule a time to sit down with your partner and evaluate your progress together. This is not a blame session. Criticizing and blaming each other for failed efforts or lack of progress only sets you further back.

I got a new GPS for Christmas, and I'm having a great time with it. I love how it responds when I fail to follow its directions. It simply takes note of my error and in a neutral voice says, "recalculating". Then it redirects me on my route given my current position.

It would be great if people could exhibit that kind of patience and neutrality when assessing their mistakes and wrong turns on their way toward change. Change is difficult. Sexual behavior and attitudes are often especially resistant to change. Give yourself lots of permission to go slowly and to do lots of 'recalculating' as you work toward improving your sex life.