After two-and-a-half years and over 600 blog entries, I think it's time to take a break. I hesitate to say I'm shutting down permanently because I'm always learning something new about sex and like having a format for passing it on.
So check in after the first of the year. Maybe after a break through the holidays, I'll have more to share.
Thanks to all of you who have been faithful readers. I hope you continue seeking passion in all that you do. Remember - sexy is a state of mind.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Water Erotic
Bodies feel good in the water. Are you maximizing the possibilities that water provides to stimulate your sex life? It could be playing together in the shower or taking a leisurely double soak in a garden tub. Adventurous types may start and finish in the tub or shower, but if that sounds awkward or just too much work for you, you can still enjoy some sensuous foreplay while getting clean.
Though we're moving into cold weather, don't forget the great opportunity for skin-to-skin contact in pools, lakes, rivers, and oceans. You can always visit the pool at your local Y during the winter if you're not lucky enough to be planning a getaway to somewhere warm. You're semi-clothed and you're in public, so it only goes so far, but you can play under the surface, which adds tension. If there's enough privacy for skinny-dipping, all the better. And winter is the perfect time to get up close and personal in an outdoor hot tub.
Though we're moving into cold weather, don't forget the great opportunity for skin-to-skin contact in pools, lakes, rivers, and oceans. You can always visit the pool at your local Y during the winter if you're not lucky enough to be planning a getaway to somewhere warm. You're semi-clothed and you're in public, so it only goes so far, but you can play under the surface, which adds tension. If there's enough privacy for skinny-dipping, all the better. And winter is the perfect time to get up close and personal in an outdoor hot tub.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Simultaneous Orgasms
Some couples feel pressure to reach orgasm at the same moment. That's nice when it happens, but it's an unrealistic goal for every sexual encounter. Even having the expectation that both partners reach orgasm -period - in every sexual encounter creates undue pressure and may even work against that possibility.
If orgasm is your goal, however, it often works better when you go for one orgasm at a time - usually starting with the woman. As the male partner, you can practice getting the manual or oral timing just right to maximize your partner's pleasure. The more you learn about your partner's response to certain stimulation and the more easily you can help facilitate her orgasm, the more enthusiastic she'll be about returning for more.
If you're the female partner, don't just assume that your partner's orgasm is going to be an automatic and that you don't need to pay attention to his specific needs. Ask him how it works best for him and how the two of you together can give him the most satisfaction. Just because his orgasm may be easier to achieve than yours doesn't give you a free pass to let him work it out on his own.
If orgasm is your goal, however, it often works better when you go for one orgasm at a time - usually starting with the woman. As the male partner, you can practice getting the manual or oral timing just right to maximize your partner's pleasure. The more you learn about your partner's response to certain stimulation and the more easily you can help facilitate her orgasm, the more enthusiastic she'll be about returning for more.
If you're the female partner, don't just assume that your partner's orgasm is going to be an automatic and that you don't need to pay attention to his specific needs. Ask him how it works best for him and how the two of you together can give him the most satisfaction. Just because his orgasm may be easier to achieve than yours doesn't give you a free pass to let him work it out on his own.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Exploring New Regions
You know what a turn-off it can be to get into a sexual routine that's totally predictable and lacking in imagination. Do you and your partner always go for the tried-and-true hot spots to turn each other on? Do you really have a thorough map of your partner's erogenous zones outside of those that are obvious and reliable?
Taking some time for exploration can uncover erogenous zones you never knew existed - on your partner's body and even on your own. For example, did you know that the back of the neck, the base of the spine, and the spot right above the pubic hairline are loaded with nerve endings? Try exploring these regions with gentle stroking and kissing and be open to feedback from your partner. When sex is about discovery rather than a particular outcome, everything gets a whole lot sexier.
Taking some time for exploration can uncover erogenous zones you never knew existed - on your partner's body and even on your own. For example, did you know that the back of the neck, the base of the spine, and the spot right above the pubic hairline are loaded with nerve endings? Try exploring these regions with gentle stroking and kissing and be open to feedback from your partner. When sex is about discovery rather than a particular outcome, everything gets a whole lot sexier.
Monday, November 2, 2009
USE Your Sexual Desire Problems
By now it should be clear that sexual desire differences - and the problems that flow from them - are inevitable in relationships. The key is what you do with them. The problems can actually be useful in the relationship if they are used productively.
David Schnarch suggests that desire problems push us to become more solid within ourselves.
He says, "How you feel about your partner, yourself, and your relationship is critical to robust desire. Enhancing desire requires more than breaking sexual routines. It involves intimacy, passion, eroticism, respecting yourself, and liking your partner - and being mature enough to be more capable of all these things."
So resolving differences in desire involves a lot more than simple compromises. It's about increasing intimacy. That's a lot more complex but infinitely more rewarding.
David Schnarch suggests that desire problems push us to become more solid within ourselves.
He says, "How you feel about your partner, yourself, and your relationship is critical to robust desire. Enhancing desire requires more than breaking sexual routines. It involves intimacy, passion, eroticism, respecting yourself, and liking your partner - and being mature enough to be more capable of all these things."
So resolving differences in desire involves a lot more than simple compromises. It's about increasing intimacy. That's a lot more complex but infinitely more rewarding.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Expanding Your Notion of Desire
Differences in desire often spark intense conflict, tension, and resentment because of the meaning that people attach to desire. Here are some ideas to consider that might expand your thinking:
(From Intimacy and Desire by David Schnarch)
(From Intimacy and Desire by David Schnarch)
- Your brain, body, mind, and relationship are one whole system in which sexual desire plays a key role. Problems with sexual desire and struggles of selfhood go hand in hand in love relationships.
- Developing and maintaining a solid sense of self greatly shapes your sexual desire. Your reflected sense of self and solid self often outweigh horniness, hormones, or your desire for intimacy and attachment.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
The Positions
No, I'm not going to describe exciting, guaranteed-to-bring-multiple-orgasms positions. The positions I'm talking about refer to low desire and high desire. Did you ever consider that these two positions are not limited to your sex life?
In Intimacy and Desire, David Schnarch says, "There is a low desire partner (LDP) and a high desire partner (HDP) on virtually every issue and decision in your relationship. One partner wants to do something that the other doesn't, or wants to do it less. Even if you and your partner both want the same thing, one of you will want it more. At every point of contention, high desire and low desire are positions partners take relative to each other. No one is the LDP or HDP on everything. Positions shift on different issues. You may be the HDP for sex, but your partner could be the HDP for intimacy."
What that means is that there is no 'correct' frequency of sexual encounters, and neither the HDP or the LDP needs to be defensive about their particular level of sexual desire.
In Intimacy and Desire, David Schnarch says, "There is a low desire partner (LDP) and a high desire partner (HDP) on virtually every issue and decision in your relationship. One partner wants to do something that the other doesn't, or wants to do it less. Even if you and your partner both want the same thing, one of you will want it more. At every point of contention, high desire and low desire are positions partners take relative to each other. No one is the LDP or HDP on everything. Positions shift on different issues. You may be the HDP for sex, but your partner could be the HDP for intimacy."
What that means is that there is no 'correct' frequency of sexual encounters, and neither the HDP or the LDP needs to be defensive about their particular level of sexual desire.
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