Baby Steps

When you're working on reprogramming some negative messages and feelings about sex, it's ok to make those steps out of your comfort zone very small ones. You might begin by identifying who the guilt and shame-inducing voices belong to - your mom, your grandfather, your minister? Decide if the views delivered by those voices synch up with your current values and beliefs. Do you believe that sex is dirty - that men only want one thing - that to touch your genitals is nasty - that you shouldn't have to talk about sex - that 'nice' women aren't sexy?

If the old messages don't reflect your belief system, begin talking back to them. Challenge them - again and again and again - until they no longer feel true. You didn't get to choose how you learned about sex, but you do get to choose now what to chuck and what to keep. You can decide to adopt sex-affirming beliefs that will allow you to enjoy sex and claim a passion you never knew you were missing.

Fantasy - Friend or Foe?

I received an email from a woman concerned about the role of fantasy in her sex life. "I've been married for 23 years and my husband and I have a good sexual relationship. But since going through menopause, I have less desire than I used to and I often have to fantasize to get myself to respond sexually. I hate it that my husband isn't enough to turn me on, and I feel guilty about the secret scenarios playing in my head."

Fantasy is a normal part of sexuality and often plays a more important role as familiarity with a partner and waning desire set in. Sharing fantasies with your partner and even acting out certain fantasies can keep you plugged into the action and your partner. Or you can use fantasy to jumpstart your desire and then tune into the current action. If you feel like you're over-relying on fantasy to get turned on, you may need to introduce more variety into your sexual routine. Talk to your partner and learn how make fantasy your friend.