A New Earth - Right or Happy?

"There is nothing that strengthens the ego more than being right." Tolle is talking about how the ego seeks an energy charge through a sense of moral superiority. Unfortunately, that sense of being one-up often plays out with your partner - and ultimately affects the relationship. How many of the arguments with your partner stem from your investment in being right?

Conflict isn't the only expression of the need to be right. Complaining is another favorite sport of the ego. It's like shooting fish in a barrel to find fault in your partner and claim a position of victimhood relative to their 'wrongness'. But the cost of that 'sport' is resentment - the number one enemy of desire.

The key to reducing conflict and complaints in your relationship is to become aware of your own ego as well as the ego of your partner. It's ego that has such a high need to be right, that takes your partner's 'wrong' behavior so personally and then holds on tightly to resentment. When you step out of ego, understanding and forgiveness come easily. That's not only 'right', it's also what will make you happy.

A New Earth - The Inner Body

In A New Earth, Eckhart Tolle considers ego to be the false sense of self that arises from an over-identification with your roles, your past experiences, your thoughts, and your body. Over-identification with the body is a very basic form of ego and causes people no end of trouble in the sexual realm.

You don't have to learn to love your belly fat and cellulite in order to become more comfortable with your body. You simply have to begin shifting your focus from the outside of your body to the inside where judgment no longer exists. That's where your life energy resides.

How do you feel the inner body? Tolle suggests closing your eyes and placing your attention on some part of the body, like your hands or feet. Keep your attention there until you can feel the energy and aliveness. Practice feeling the inner body by moving your attention around to different body parts, including your genitals. See if you can feel a tingling or a warmth there.

Awareness of the inner body keeps you present in the moment, moves you out of ego, and actually enhances the immune system. It's also a path to sexual feelings and a sense of your own sexual aliveness.

A New Earth - Awakening

Currently a lot of people are reading A New Earth, a book by Eckhart Tolle on discovering our life purpose. After reading this book over spring break, I've been reflecting on what it has to say about sexuality. Though the book never actually gets around to sex, its ideas have a lot of relevance for those wanting a richer and more intimate sexual relationship.

Eckhart's main concept has to do with awakening to a new consciousness - a sense of our true, inner nature that goes way beyond our thoughts about who we are. In this awakened state of being, we recognize not only our own divine essence but the divine essence in every other life-form. No longer defined by our minds or our physical bodies, we can feel our oneness with the universe.

How much more dynamic our sexual lives would be if we brought that level of awakening to our lovemaking! I also have to imagine that spending more time in Being and less in doing might awaken long-buried sexual feelings. Because sexuality springs from our aliveness - our essence -anything that connects us to that source has the potential for unleashing sexual energy. That's just one more reason to wake up to who we really are.

Expanding Your Comfort Zone

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Up Close to 'Down There'

Unlike men, women didn't grow up with much familiarity with their private parts. 'Down there' may have been as close as they ever got to naming that region of the body. It's not unusual for females to find their vulvas unattractive and actually feel shame and disgust about their genitalia. They worry about their normal secretions and whether they have a bad smell. Is it any wonder that there are women who are uncomfortable with their partner getting up close and personal with that part of their body?

There are men, too, who are a little leery about going down on their partner. They may worry about the taste and the smell and find the mysteries of the vulva a little daunting. They may not trust their skills in navigating the labia and the clitoris and providing the right kind of stimulation.

I'll post tomorrow on tips for getting past the discomfort.

When the Tables Are Turned

I've been talking about men's enjoyment in receiving oral sex - and some women's reluctance in giving it. But what about when the tables are turned? The results of one survey indicated that over 65% of women enjoy having oral sex performed on them. They may not be as vocal as men in requesting it, but oral sex may be even more important for women.

Women's journey to orgasm during sex isn't nearly as reliable and predictable as men's. Foreplay is critical since the clitoris often doesn't receive direct stimulation during intercourse. Having the clitoris stimulated with lips and tongue is one of the easiest ways for many women to reach a high state of arousal and orgasm.

Despite the pleasure and effectiveness of this type of sexual activity, there can still be reluctance on the part of women in receiving it and on the part of men in giving it. I'll talk about that in tomorrow's post.

Getting Past the Discomfort

One recent sex survey revealed that half of all women are uncomfortable in giving oral sex. There are many reasons for the discomfort. For some, it seems dirty or nasty. There may be concern about the ejaculation or even the taste of the pre-ejaculatory fluid. Many women aren't sure exactly what to do. There may be negative associations with oral sex because of past abuse. Sometimes the pressure from a partner to perform oral sex has created resentment and resistance.

Oral sex is an intimate sexual gift you can give to your partner. You certainly have the right to refuse to engage in any sexual activity you're not comfortable with. But if you're interested in getting past any discomfort you may have, first identify what's causing the discomfort. Then figure out what might help.

You may want to have your partner shower before lovemaking. It helps to be in a position to control how rapidly and deeply you take his penis into your mouth. Let your partner know if you don't want him to ejaculate during oral sex. Read up on oral sex techniques. Ask for your partner's feedback.

Being willing to experiment and to move a little outside your comfort zone to accomodate your partner's sexual wants can bring excitement and greater intimacy to your sexual relationship.