The Down Side of Viagra

This passage from Just Do It is worth quoting. The guy is describing his initial experience with Viagra:
"The pharmaceutical had tapped something primordial inside me. It channeled the caveman lost deep in the thickets of my 40-year-old brain. This club-wielding fellow remained as powerful as he had been in my youth, I think, but he didn't always arrive as pumped up, as it were, as he had been when I was, say, 16 or 20. I liked the grunting fool. I appreciated how he just showed up, grinning and ready to go, shortly after I popped the pill. I'm not sure about addiction, but I could grow accustomed to having him around, and the pill made that connection awfully easy."

So what's not to like? The energy expenditure, for one thing. The guy was so revved up by the Viagra that the vigorous sex left him feeling exhausted the next day. Another problem was his wife's reaction: "It was fun, but not the kind of energy I want to experience every night. Sometimes, slow and easy is the best.....it feels like we're sort of going our separate ways when it's wild."

There's nothing wrong with popping a pill to assist with flagging erections as long as the assistance doesn't create an over-emphasis on performance and depersonalized sex. Just proceed with caution.

Another Reason to Eat Chocolate

I'm sure you've read the research that extols the health benefits of eating dark chocolate. In small portions, of course. If you're a chocoholic, you really don't need a reason to eat chocolate, but many people find themselves at the vending machine mid-afternoon looking for some M&M's to get them through the post-lunch slump. In addition to melting in your mouth, those little chocolate morsels contain caffeine (and sugar) that provide a little jolt of energy.

The couple who undertook the sex marathon discovered that consuming a small square of high quality chocolate in the evening helped rejuvenate their fizzling 'nighttime brains'. The author of Just Do It recommends TJ Maxx for a great selection of specialty chocolate bars at a good price.
Of course there's also chocolate-dipped strawberries, chocolate syrup, chocolate ice cream...
The couple didn't mention incorporating chocolate into their sexual encounters, but you could get creative...

Sex Blockers

Even when you're able to overcome the desire-blockers in your life and actually get around to having sex, there can be obstacles that surface during sex that can squash your interest or your arousal. Like when your partner starts carressing your belly and suddenly all you can think about is how much you hate the bulge around your middle and that your partner is probably getting grossed out by touching all that flab. Or when you feel your erection fading and begin worrying about whether you'll be able to perform. Or you being wondering whether the kids will overhear the sounds of your lovemaking.

The goal at those moments is to turn away from your intrusive thoughts and gently return your attention to the moment. If the thoughts are persistent, it might help to share them with your partner rather than to suffer in silence. You can also move your partner's hand to a different part of your anatomy, turn your focus from performance to connection, and ask your partner to muffle any squeals of pleasure.

You have more control over your thoughts than you think you do. When annoying thoughts pop into your head, you can give them a nod and let them go rather than inviting them to stick around for the show. Their only strength comes from the attention you give them.

Clean Sex

Most people feel more comfortable getting 'down and dirty' when both they and their partner are fresh and clean. But how many people regularly shower before getting into bed at night or even before a planned sexual encounter?

You probably wouldn't have dreamed of presenting anything less than your cleanest and most fragrant self to your lover before you settled into long-term monogamy. Now you may have gotten lazy. It only takes 5 minutes to take a quick shower and spritz or slather something great-smelling all over your body. Smells can either be a turn-on or a turn-off. Why risk the latter? And if it's your partner that's gotten lazy, don't be afraid to ask them to shower before bed. Even better, ask them to get in the shower with you.

Sex Talk

One of the interesting outcomes of the 101 straight days of sex experiment was that the couple involved began actually talking about sex as well as having it on a daily basis. They started sharing sexual preferences - what worked and what didn't work and why. Though the couple had been together for many years and had had somewhere around a thousand sexual encounters, they'd never talked much about it. Whatever hesitancy or discomfort that had kept that dialogue from happening previously seemed to melt away once sex became part of their daily routine.

The discussions led to new discoveries about one another that made sex more enjoyable and more satisfying. Being able to talk about the nitty-gritty mechanics of sex also created more openness in their overall communication. They found it easier to disclose feelings they might previously have kept to themselves. Maybe that was because the daily sex created more intimacy and maybe it was because they simply spent more time and effort on each other and the relationship.

Whatever the reason, open sharing and self-disclosure are both cause and effect when it comes to a healthy sexual relationship. That means either start having more sex or start talking about it if you want to ramp up your intimacy.

Time Choices

Yesterday I talked about taking charge of fatigue. That may sound a lot easier said than done. Standing up to fatigue involves consciously choosing how you spend your time.

When you're tired at the end of the day, you may need to actually rest - take a 20-minute nap, get to bed earlier, or watch a half-hour of TV. But what tends to happen instead is a mindless wasting of precious hours just vegging - flipping from one channel to the next on TV, surfing the Internet, talking on the phone, browsing through catalogs, etc. A certain amount of that is fine, but may not be as restful as some actual shuteye and certainly not as energizing or restorative as an after-dinner walk, a brisk shower, a long soak in the tub, or some time listening to music.

The idea isn't to ignore fatigue but to figure out the best response to it. When you learn how to recharge your batteries - how to fill yourself up when you feel completely drained - you'll free up both time and energy for more and better sex.

Standing Up to Fatigue

The couple in Just Do It who decided to have sex for 101 straight days faced many obstacles in achieving their goal. One of the biggest obstacles was fatigue. Jobs, two young children, household chores - you know the drill. They often collapsed into bed at night desiring nothing more than a good night's sleep. But they learned something about fatigue as they pursued their sexual marathon: they learned that it soon dissipated when actively challenged.

"If you stand up to the fatigue, it falls to pieces....it's a cheap bully." That's the author of Just Do It sharing his observation with his wife. She responds, "Exhaustion is a cheap bully. That's awsome....that knowledge alone is worth this experiment."

Basically, they just ignored the fatigue and went right ahead touching and carressing each other until the desire showed up. The desire then banished the fatigue. Kind of like when you force yourself to go for a walk after dinner when what you really want to do is collapse on the couch. You return from the walk with renewed energy - a second wind that carries you through the rest of the evening.

You get to decide how much power you relinquish to fatigue. I'm all for getting adequate rest - just make sure that you're the one calling the shots.