Sacred Sex

I discovered a wonderful little book a few years ago which talks about the spiritual dimension of sexuality. Zen Sex, by Philip Sudo, explores the divine aspect of our capacity for feeling ecstasy and giving joy. For those of you who are still battling sexual guilt and shame from your religious indoctrination, sex may seem far removed from spirituality. But at its essence, sex is the origin of life.

"At its best, sex takes us back to the beginning, transcending mere fulfillment of our animal desires to reveal our inherent divinity as Creators; it becomes a spiritual endeavor, as profound as any religious rite..." Zen Sex challenges us to "put technique aside. Stop fretting over sexual frequency. Love your body. Frolic. Tease. Make love. All it takes to be a good zen lover is a giving heart, and the awareness of the life force coursing through our bodies."

Drugs for Desire - Part 2

Everyone is familiar with Viagra. Women often ask me, "Why isn't there a Viagra for women?"

Actually, Viagra only helps men with erectile dysfunction - it doesn't increase men's desire. So can it do anything at all for women? Some women have reported an improvement in their sex lives after taking Viagra, but that's probably because it increases blood flow to the genitals and increases vaginal lubrication - it doesn't actually increase desire. But if there's a greater enjoyment of sex, that in itself could increase desire. Caution: Do not pop a few of your partner's pills to see what they might do for you. It's essential that you talk to your doctor before taking any prescription medication.

Another option is the antidepressant, Wellbutrin, which is often prescribed to help counteract the sexual side effects of other antidepressants, especially the SSRI's. It has also helped energize the sex drive of non-depressed women who are not taking an SSRI. As with Viagra, you must first talk to your doctor about the advisability of using this prescription medication.

There are a few alternative remedies that have had mixed results. DHEA and ArginMax are sold over the counter in drug stores and health food stores. DHEA increases libido by raising hormone levels. ArginMax contains ginseng, ginkgo biloba, and some other ingredients and has been found to increase both sexual desire and satisfaction for many women. Though available over the counter, it would still be advisable to discuss the use of these supplements with a doctor.

Drugs for Desire

I'm often asked if there are any drugs to help women who have little or no sexual desire. Drug companies are doing a lot of experimentation, but right now there is no magic pill for creating sexual interest and enthusiasm. There are a few medical interventions, however, that might be worth considering.

Estrogen replacement therapy (ERT) is one option for post-menopausal women. ERT will probably not dramatically increase desire in most women, but it does decrease vaginal dryness which can make sex unpleasant. Because there is some concern about ERT increasing the risk of heart disease and cancer, this is an option that should be discussed carefully with a doctor. Another option is low-dose estrogen in tablet or cream form that is inserted directly into the vagina - or is released from an estrogen ring that is inserted into the upper part of the vagina and is replaced about every 3 months.

A low-dose testosterone patch for women developed by Procter & Gamble was rejected by the FDA, but some doctors do prescribe testosterone for women off-label. There is the possibility of testosterone causing masculinizing side effects and an increase in cholesterol, so again, it's not a perfect remedy. However, it's worked very well for some women. It's important to talk to your doctor to determine if this is a good option for you.

I'll cover some more remedies tomorrow.

Who Changes First?

I got an email the other day from a woman complaining that the only thing her husband ever initiates is sex. She longs for him to initiate a special night out or plan a weekend away or even ask her to take a walk - but despite her requests for those things, he has yet to come through.

Maybe her pleas just aren't registering - maybe he's being obstinate - or maybe he's waiting to get what he wants (sex) before giving her what she wants (special time together). Are you and your partner caught in a standoff - each waiting for the other to change first? If so, you're both going to be waiting forever. You risk making yourself vulnerable when you take the first step toward meeting your partner's needs, but you also take charge of creating change. Isn't that better than remaining passive and powerless?

Pick Your Times

Does your partner plead, pressure, or pout to get some action in the bedroom? Or maybe just tries to get something going at the worst possible times for you? If so, you've probably wished many times that your partner would put him/herself inside your head and understand how hard it is to get interested in sex when you're exhausted - or how hard it is to suddenly shift gears when you're plowing full steam ahead with your agenda.

But how good are you at getting inside your partner's head? Do you assume that your partner is just a sex fiend with only one thing on the brain? It could be that your partner is wanting closeness or reassurance. When met with a cold shoulder, your partner may feel rejected, undesirable, or unloved.

In addition to talking to your partner about the timing and conditions for sex that are best for you, try initiating sex when the timing and conditions are right for you. That will be a gift for the both of you.

Media Brainwashing

The media feeds us a steady diet of sexual imagery, innuendo, and illicit coupling, and sex is used to sell everything from cars to toothpaste. Meanwhile sex is being sold down the river. As Ellen Goodman says, "(we) are a culture that defines sexy as something seen rather than something felt".

What kind of sex is the media selling? Women are portrayed as sexual objects and men as sexual opportunists; sexy is thin (but voluptuous), beautiful, and young; sex is about 'doing' rather than 'being'; sex is casual, commitment-free, and devoid of intimacy; all the beautiful people are 'doing it' - often; talking about sex is unnecessary; forbidden sex is the best sex, etc., etc.

How have you been influenced by this indoctrination? How about your children? Begin paying attention to the sexual brainwashing in the media - and begin challenging the messages that keep you from claiming a full, healthy sexual life.

Getting In Charge of Stress - Part 3

You always have control of your response to any given situation. Changing your thoughts and beliefs about stressors in your life can have a significant effect on the amount of stress they generate. How does it work?

You identify the negative statements and stories that you tell yourself as you begin to feel stressed and replace that negative internal dialogue with a more positive, solution-oriented one. For example, what happens when you say to yourself, "I'm overwhelmed"? You feel further demoralized rather than empowered. What if you substituted, "I have a lot on my plate but I'll just take one thing at a time"? That sentence knocks your stress down a notch and gives you a plan for how to proceed. Changing your response to stress means you recognize your limits, stop catastrophizing, and decide to stay in the moment.

Quote for the day: "Everything changed the day he figured out there was exactly enough time
for the important things in his life." Brian Andreas