Anticipation

One of the nice things about putting a sex date on your calendar is that you have time to anticipate it. A slow sexual build-up creates tension and excitement. You can enhance the build-up by making a suggestive phone call or sending a steamy email to your lover during the day. Indulge in fantasy in the hours leading up to your date and connect to your sexiest self.

Once you are with your lover, let the anticipation continue to build. Don't rush things - feel the excitement but remain patient. Back off and build up again, teasing and delaying until a delicious sense of urgency overtakes both of you. Anticipation allows us to entertain tension, relaxation, and playfulness all at the same time. If the familiarity in your relationship has led to boredom, it's time to put anticipation back into action.

In the Moment

Good sex depends on being 'in the moment'. That means that you're not thinking about a work deadline or planning what to have for dinner or wondering if you're partner has noticed the 5 pounds you've put on recently. It means focusing on and enjoying what's happening NOW rather than rushing to the finish line. It means being responsive to what your partner wants in this moment - tenderness? dominance? firm touch or light touch? fast action or long, lingering caresses? You can't assume that what drove your partner crazy with passion the last time will do the trick this time. The same moves, the same routine create sexual boredom and ignore the fact that each encounter is new and different because every moment is new and different.

Staying in the moment takes practice - but the payoff is sex that is constantly changing and evolving just as you are changing and evolving. There's no better way to keep sex new and exciting.

Sexual Wholeness - The Body

Since most people think of bodies when they think about sex, the physical dimension of sexual wholeness is probably the easiest to grasp. However, you may not have thought much about how physical self-care impacts your sex life.

Since you're probably not going to have a lot of interest in sex if you're tired, hungry, overweight, in pain, or out of shape, it only makes sense to get enough sleep, eat right, exercise, and practice preventive medicine. Of course, good self-care makes sense for a whole lot of reasons, but adding sexuality to the list may get you to the gym a little more often.

Along with taking care of your body, it's important to work on body acceptance and body awareness. If you walk around disconnected from your body and your senses, you're unlikely to experience sexual desire even if you're in great shape.

Lastly, make sure you're using your whole body when you're having sex as well as appreciating the body of your lover. Sexual wholeness takes sex far beyond the mixing up of isolated body parts and invites a more total body experience. What's not to like about that?

Sexual Wholeness - Relationships

In the post entitled "Relationship Tune-Up", I stressed the importance of keeping the relationship with your partner in good working order if you want to keep the sexual spark alive.

But what about all of your other relationships? What role do they play in your life? Certainly your partner can't meet all of your needs.

Hopefully you have a good network of support from friends and family. The quality of your relationships significantly impacts your stress level and your overall emotional well-being. You need people to shore you up in difficult times and celebrate with you during times of joy. However, you may have relationships that deplete you rather than fill you up. Think about the relationships in your life and what changes may be needed - whether that's adding or eliminating relationships, setting different limits, or asking for what you need. It can make a big difference in your life.

Sexual Wholeness - Emotions

Emotions contain important information for us. Anger lets us know that something is wrong or that we have a need that is going unmet. Sadness is usually a signal that we've lost something important to us. Fear helps us prepare for a threat to our safety, and joy is our cue to celebrate life's blessings. How much control do you feel over your emotions once they've delivered their message?

Our challenge with emotions is how to 'have' them without 'being' them. Our language encourages us to over-identify with our emotions - "I am depressed." "I am angry." But if we have depression or have anger, we also have a closetful of resources to bring to managing those feelings. To be emotionally healthy, we have to be in charge of our emotions and stop letting them run the show.

When we're emotionally unhealthy, our sex drive is going to take a major hit. So take some time to do an emotional audit on yourself and see if there is an emotion that is running your life.

Sexual Wholeness

When sexuality encompasses your whole self, sex becomes much more than mechanistic behavior driven by youthful hormones. Sex is integrated into your life and your sense of identity in a way that infuses passion into all that you do - and all that you are and do brings passion into your sex life. So what makes up the whole self?

There are 5 primary elements of self: mental, emotional, relational, physical, and spiritual. I've discussed the spiritual element in the last two posts, so I'll move on to the others - starting with the mental. How are you faring in the mental dimension? How do you keep yourself mentally stimulated and challenged? You may have a job that gives your brain a regular workout - maybe you work the daily crossword puzzle or word jumbles - or you may find that reading and discussing ideas with friends keeps your mind sharp. As you age, it's important to keep learning new things to keep your brain cells multiplying. Take up a new hobby, learn a foreign language, take an adult education class, enroll in a dance class, start doing yoga or tai chi - the possibilities are endless. And don't forget to include sexual fantasies and thoughts of your lover in your mental gymnastics!

Tomorrow I'll move on to the emotional element of self.

Sacred Sex - Part 2

In yesterday's post I talked about sex and spirituality. Bringing the spiritual dimension into your sexuality is part of creating sexual wholeness. We have plenty of examples of what can happen when people lack that wholeness - everything from sexual shame to sexual abuse. But when you are in touch with the sacred within you and within your partner, sex cannot be exploitive or hurtful. Sex becomes a truly mutual experience of giving and receiving and ceases to be appearance or performance-based.

Tomorrow I'll talk about the other dimensions of sexual wholeness.