The Eyes Have It!

In an earlier post, I talked about the tendency to save our best look for the outside world while our partner gets the dregs. That's a big mistake because our vision is very powerful in stirring up feelings of love and lust.

Do you put some effort into looking good for your partner? You did in the beginning - maybe it's time to bring back a little of that special attention you invested to elicit your partner's loving gaze. Listen to your partner's preferences in clothing and sometimes wear what they want you to wear. Display pictures of you and your partner embracing. Look deeply into your partner's eyes. Keep your eyes open while making love. Take time to visually appreciate your partner's body. Flirt with your eyes. Make eye contact when talking with your partner. Do a slow strip-tease for your partner on your next sex date.

Try making your own list of ways to maximize your sense of sight to enhance your love life.

Using Your Senses

Did you ever think about your senses as an inroad to your sexuality? By fully engaging all of your senses - sight, hearing, smell, taste, and touch - you stay tuned in and turned on to your sexuality.

During your courting days, you probably went to great lengths to look, sound, feel, smell, and taste good to your partner. You worked hard to accent your sexual desirability and your senses were finely tuned to respond to input from your lover. To bring back some of the heightened sexual interest of your dating days, begin using your senses to rev up your sexual engine.

Over the next several days, I'll share some ideas for making the most of your five senses in your love life.

Alcohol - Aphrodesiac or Anesthetic?

Everybody knows that a couple of drinks can relax your mind, lower your inhibitions, and put you in the 'mood for love'. But when a couple of drinks becomes more like three, four, or five, alchol's depressant effect kicks in and snoring may be a lot more likely than sizzling.

I've heard lots of complaints about partners who come home from work, down 3 or 4 glasses of wine or 6-8 beers over the course of the evening, and fall asleep on the couch in front of the TV.
Not exactly a recipe for love - or love-making. Even if the interest is there, too much booze interferes with sexual performance - so you might get something started that you can't finish.

Bottom line - if you want a healthy sex life, watch your alcohol intake. The very thing that sexes you up may very well end up letting you down.

Men, too?

The stereotype of married sex is the poor deprived husband always trying to 'get some' from his tired, disinterested wife. But there are plenty of households where the roles are reversed.

Men are subject to many of the same desire-killers as women: stress, resentment, fatigue, medication side effects, depression, alcohol abuse, etc. Even though men have up to 100 times more testosterone than women, they too can lose interest in sex. Men just tend to talk less about it since they may feel it reflects poorly on their manhood.

So if you're a man who's no longer in hot pursuit - or you're a woman who's no longer being pursued - you've got a lot of company. Now it's up to you to decide what you want to do about it.

Fantasy - Friend or Foe?

I received an email from a woman concerned about the role of fantasy in her sex life. "I've been married for 23 years and my husband and I have a good sexual relationship. But since going through menopause, I have less desire than I used to and I often have to fantasize to get myself to respond sexually. I hate it that my husband isn't enough to turn me on, and I feel guilty about the secret scenarios playing in my head."

Fantasy is a normal part of sexuality and often plays a more important role as familiarity with a partner and waning desire set in. Sharing fantasies with your partner and even acting out certain fantasies can keep you plugged into the action and your partner. Or you can use fantasy to jumpstart your desire and then tune into the current action. If you feel like you're over-relying on fantasy to get turned on, you may need to introduce more variety into your sexual routine. Talk to your partner and learn how make fantasy your friend.

Breaking Up Boredom

I've talked about the importance of changing up your sexual routine to keep things interesting, but novelty is also important outside the sexual arena. If your relationship is basically on solid ground but you've fallen into a rut, your sex life will benefit if you put some more excitement into your life as a couple.

Try learning something new together. Take up salsa lessons, sign up for a foreign language class, or visit some wineries to discover some new wines. If you're up for a little more adventure, do some snorkeling or scuba diving, go horseback riding, or learn how to sail. When you engage in activities with your partner that are a little scary, dopamine is released in the brain which enhances both pleasure and bonding.

Don't let boredom zap your zest for life. Keeping things fresh is energizing - both inside and outside the bedroom.

Passion and Play

In the last post, I talked about food play - but you were probably taught not to play with your food. Actually, you may have forgotten how to play altogether!

Somewhere along the way to being a grownup, many adults lose their childlike ability to let loose, be silly, and have high-energy fun. What often passes for play these days is dinner and a movie or a casual get-together with friends for a cookout. Not that there's anything wrong with that - but when was the last time you had blow-it-all-out, laugh until it hurts kind of fun? Dancing like a crazy person, playing a rousing game of pictionary, having a water balloon or snowball fight, running some whitewater rapids - have you put that kind of play behind you?

Good sex has a passionate and playful element. When passion and play come up missing in your everyday life, they're probably going to be missing in your sex life, as well. Make your next date a play date and see if it doesn't spark some passion with your partner.