More Baby Steps

After challenging - and hopefully quieting - the shaming and guilt-inducing voices inside your head, it's helpful to do some reading about sex. There are many good sex manuals available these days - just go to your local bookstore or check out some titles on amazon.com.

Then gradually begin introducing some behaviors that will help you become more comfortable with sex. Tune into your senses, move more awareness into your body, explore your body's response to touch, and explore non-sexual touch with your partner. You don't need to rush. If something you try feels too uncomfortable, go back to the previous step and stay there for awhile before moving on. If you're trying new things with your partner, ask them to go slowly and to be patient with you. Continue to challenge any shaming messages that come up. Take some deep breaths.

The reprogramming process may take awhile, but it's well worth the effort. You deserve to have a sex life that's comfortable and that enriches your relationship.

Baby Steps

When you're working on reprogramming some negative messages and feelings about sex, it's ok to make those steps out of your comfort zone very small ones. You might begin by identifying who the guilt and shame-inducing voices belong to - your mom, your grandfather, your minister? Decide if the views delivered by those voices synch up with your current values and beliefs. Do you believe that sex is dirty - that men only want one thing - that to touch your genitals is nasty - that you shouldn't have to talk about sex - that 'nice' women aren't sexy?

If the old messages don't reflect your belief system, begin talking back to them. Challenge them - again and again and again - until they no longer feel true. You didn't get to choose how you learned about sex, but you do get to choose now what to chuck and what to keep. You can decide to adopt sex-affirming beliefs that will allow you to enjoy sex and claim a passion you never knew you were missing.

Reprogramming

Negative sexual programming - from society, family, religion - can put a significant crimp in your comfort level with sexuality and make you squirm at the mere thought of poking and prodding into the whole dirty business. If you're a squirmer, you probably don't think much about sex at all. You're not in touch with your sexual feelings, and it's difficult when you do have sex to relax enough to really enjoy the moment.

In order to reprogram your sexuality, you have to be willing to step out of your comfort zone. That's not easy because stepping out of your safe place will make you - well, uncomfortable. But unless you're willing to stand up to fear and discomfort, you'll be unlikely to discover the sexual joy that lies waiting for you right outside your comfort zone. You have to decide that sex is important enough to warrant feeling the fear and doing it anyway.

Tomorrow I'll talk about some ways to do that.

Yummm.....

Your lips, mouth, and tongue are exquisitely tuned to give and receive pleasure with your lover, both through taste as well as through touch. Licking, sucking, and nibbling can provide an endless variety of sexual pleasure. Get back to the days of long, slow kisses - and don't confine the kisses to your lips!

Eating is also a sensuous and pleasurable experience. Try feeding your partner and allow them to feed you - blindfolded. Incorporate new tastes into your lovemaking through flavored lubricants. Refrain from using body lotions prior to sex which can leave a bad taste in your lover's mouth. Women - use mouthwash flavored with cinnamon - a scent which is a turn-on for men.

If you've gotten lazy and stopped kissing and nibbling your partner, it's time to get your mouth muscles moving for something other than office gossip - you'll get an immediate charge to your sexual battery.

Eddie - Where are you?

Whenever I smell English Leather, I'm immediately transported back in time to a junior high dance where I'm slow-dancing with Eddie - who didn't go lightly when he sprayed himself with his dad's cologne. Smells, like music, tend to get deeply imprinted and create strong associations with people and places. Think about what associations pop up when you smell cotton candy, October's fallen leaves, the ocean, or bread baking in the oven.

What smells do you associate with your lover? Are there smells that you know are a turn-on for your partner? Just because you've been together for a hundred years doesn't mean that it's no longer important for your breath to be fresh and your body to be fragrant. Wear the cologne that your partner likes best. Create heavenly smells in the kitchen and place flowers in the bedroom. The sense of smell is an important conduit to our sexuality. Take time to discover what smells act as an aphrodisiac for you and for your partner.

Back In Touch

Touch is the language of lovers. Sad that we often get 'out of touch' with our life partner. Try rediscovering the joys of touch in your relationship - both in and out of the bedroom.

Touch can be playful, affectionate, passionate, relaxing, comforting, nurturing, and so much more. Practice communicating different moods and feelings to your partner strictly through touch. Spend a day just focusing on all the sensations you experience through your sense of touch - the warmth of the sun on your skin, the wind hitting your face through the car window, the squish of the carpet under your feet, the comforting embrace of a friend. Take turns giving and receiving massage with your partner. Sleep in the nude. Stay connected to your partner through skin-to-skin contact.

Listen Up

When was the last time you whispered sweet nothings in your lover's ear or slow-danced to your special song? Are you really listening to the answer when you ask about your partner's day? Through the gift of hearing, we can be comforted, excited, connected, and moved to deep levels of emotion.

Try being a little more intentional in using sound to enhance your relationship. Practice talking with a pleasing tonality. Create soothing sounds in your home environmet. Turn off the drone of the TV when no one is watching and replace it with your favorite music. Music can transport you back to the early days of your courtship and bring back all those 'lovin' feelings'. If you play a musical instrument, play it for your partner. Sing along with your partner to the tunes on the car radio. Give your partner a compliment. Try saying 'I love you' in a way that gets your partner's attention. Sharpen your listening skills and see what you may have been missing.