Expanding Your Notion of Desire

Differences in desire often spark intense conflict, tension, and resentment because of the meaning that people attach to desire. Here are some ideas to consider that might expand your thinking:

(From Intimacy and Desire by David Schnarch)

• Your brain, body, mind, and relationship are one whole system in which sexual desire plays a key role. Problems with sexual desire and struggles of selfhood go hand in hand in love relationships.
• Developing and maintaining a solid sense of self greatly shapes your sexual desire. Your reflected sense of self and solid self often outweigh horniness, hormones, or your desire for intimacy and attachment.

The Positions

No, I'm not going to describe exciting, guaranteed-to-bring-multiple-orgasms positions. The positions I'm talking about refer to low desire and high desire. Did you ever consider that these two positions are not limited to your sex life?

In Intimacy and Desire, David Schnarch says, "There is a low desire partner (LDP) and a high desire partner (HDP) on virtually every issue and decision in your relationship. One partner wants to do something that the other doesn't, or wants to do it less. Even if you and your partner both want the same thing, one of you will want it more. At every point of contention, high desire and low desire are positions partners take relative to each other. No one is the LDP or HDP on everything. Positions shift on different issues. You may be the HDP for sex, but your partner could be the HDP for intimacy."

What that means is that there is no 'correct' frequency of sexual encounters, and neither the HDP or the LDP needs to be defensive about their particular level of sexual desire.

Who Controls Sex?

In every relationship, there's always one partner who's lower in desire than the other. So, who do you think controls sex? It's always the lower desire partner. Now maybe if that's you, you're thinking about all the times you have sex when you don't really want to. But that's still YOU deciding to have sex. And maybe resenting it the whole time it's happening.

If you're the lower desire partner, you probably wish you weren't. You may think something's wrong with you, and your partner probably validates that view. But there may be nothing at all 'wrong' with you - you may simply have a lower sex drive than your partner.

Often what's wrong is not one partner wanting too much sex and the other not wanting it enough - what's wrong is how they go about dealing with the difference. I'm going to be discussing this issue in upcoming posts because it's the source of untold misery and conflict in couple relationships.

What Men Get From Prostitutes

Ever wonder why men frequent prostitutes? Many people assume that johns are losers who can't get sex any other way, but the vast majority of guys who visit prostitutes are ordinary men - most of whom are married or in committed relationships.

According to an article in Psychology Today, men who go to prostitutes often have more sexual partners than those who don't. So if desperation isn't the motive, then what is? It can be anything from a need for variety to the thrill of doing something secret and illicit. Men often use prostitutes to act out fantasies they couldn't with their wives or girlfriends. Men can also be totally selfish since they're paying for the sex to be all about them.

The downside? Men who come to view women as objects may have difficulty sustaining interest in normal relationships. The world's oldest profession might take a real hit if more men were whole sexual beings instead of sexual doings, and their wives/girlfriends were more open to sexual adventure.

Field Trip

Next time you and your lover have some time to kill before you head to the movies for date night, try visiting the sexuality section of the nearest bookstore. You might want to browse the how-to section to see if there are any new skills or tricks you can add to your repertoire. But don't stop there - make sure to check out the erotica offerings and decide together on something to purchase.

Once home, try reading some passages aloud to each other. That alone may be enough to generate some heat. You might even try enacting one of the scenes.

Men's Health suggests checking out "Heat Wave: Sizzling Sex Stories" by Alison Tyler, "Five-Minute Erotica", by Carol Queen, and the "Black Lace Series", by Kerri Sharp.

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Louisville Sex Survey - Representative?

This week, I've been posting on a recent sex survey completed by 550 people in the Louisville area. The average age of respondents was 40. If you're interested in reading the full results of the Louisville Sex Survey, pick up a copy of Louisville Magazine. I'd be interested to hear your feedback, as I was a little surprised by some of the responses.

I've always considered this part of the country to be pretty conservative, with more traditional views on sexual practices. Yet, there was a pretty high approval rating for sex on a first date and one-night stands. Is that because people who are likely to complete this kind of survey are generally less conservative? That would be my guess, but maybe not. What are your thoughts - on the issues themselves as well as on the survey? I'd love to hear from you.

More Sexy Movies

From time to time, I've posted on movies I thought packed a lot of heat. Well, here are the staff picks from Louisville Magazine:

To Die For (1995) - Stars Nicole Kidman, Matt Dillon, and Joaquin Phoenix

Vicky Christina Barcelona (2008) - Starring Scarlet Johansson, Penelope Cruz, Rebecca Hall, and Javier Bardem.

The Year of Living Dangerously (1982) - Stars Mel Gibson and Sigourney Weaver

Body Heat (1981) - Kathleen Turner and William Hurt turn on some fiery passion. This one may be old, but it's a classic.

The Notebook (2004) - Lots of chemistry between Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling in this pretty predictable but romantic film.

National Lampoon'ss Christmas Vacation (1989) - Personally, this movie wouldn't make my list of top ten sexy movies, but the staff member who picked it was an impressionable 9 year-old when he first saw it. The scene that impresssed him was the one in which Clark fantasizes about a hot brunette named Mary.