Getting In Charge of Stress - Part 2

After changing, delegating, and eliminating some of the stress producers in your life, there will still be leftover sources of stress which just can't be fixed. That's when you take charge by increasing your resistance to stress and changing your thoughts and beliefs about the stressor.

You increase your stress-tolerance by getting enough sleep at night, exercising several times a week, eating a healthy diet, taking regular time-outs for fun, remembering to breathe deeply, and laughing on a regular basis. Without good self-care, your body is ill-equipped to deal long term with the daily onslaught of stress.

You can also reduce the impact of stress if you have a good support network. Operating in isolation not only limits how much help is available for accomplishing the multitude of tasks facing you each day, it also limits your access to emotional support. Caring, validating people can make a huge difference when you're going through a particularly stressful time.

Tomorrow I'll talk about changing how you think about the stressors in your life.

Getting In Charge of Stress

The first step in managing stress is to figure out what you can eliminate, delegate, or change. Stress can make you feel powerless - as if you have no choices - but you probably have a lot more power than you think. What can you let go or hire out? Where do you need to ask for help? What changes can you make in everyday routines that might make life a little easier? I know one woman who de-stressed her mornings considerably just by deciding the night before what she was going to wear the next day and then getting up 15 minutes earlier to actually enjoy her cup of coffee instead of gulping it down in the car.

Take a close look at how you manage tasks as you move through the day and get creative in thinking about how you might do it differently. To be creative, you'll need to use fresh eyes: view things from the outside in as if you're an expert who's been called in to do an extreme make-over on your life. You may be surprised by your own expertise.

Sexless in Stressville

Many people are living stress-filled lives that leave little time or energy for smelling the roses - or getting turned on for a romp in the hay. A little stress is a good thing - it keeps life interesting - but too much stress turns into dis-stress. If you frequently complain about being 'stressed-out' and feel ready to wave the white flag on all the demands in your life, you're unlikely to be terribly interested in sex. Why would you be? You're running on empty and are lucky to have just enough energy to get you through the day. Your partner's not-so-subtle hints about wanting sex can feel like one more demand that you're supposed to meet. If that sounds like you, it's time to take a hard look at the stress in your life and how you're managing it.

Tomorrow I'll talk about effective stress management strategies.

Relationship Tune-Up

If the sex life with your partner has taken a nose-dive, you may want to take the pulse of your relationship before looking elsewhere for the source of the problem.

Do you and your partner enjoy spending time together? Do you talk to each other? (What time the plumber's coming doesn't count.) Is there an equitable division of household and childcare responsibilities? Are you able to approach differences and conflict with a win-win mindset? Do you laugh often together? Do you make an effort to keep some romance in your relationship?

If the answer to any of these questions is 'no', talk to your partner about what changes you each can make to improve the relationship. If you're unable to make needed changes on your own, don't be afraid to contact a therapist who can help walk you through it. A relationship tune-up may be just the thing to get the sexual pistons firing again.

Creating Feelings

As a marriage therapist, I frequently hear clients say, "I love my partner, but I'm not 'in love' anymore". I always ask the client what they would be doing differently if they were 'in love'. They often say things like, "I'd be more romantic - I'd plan special date nights - I'd come home earlier from work." I then suggest that they begin doing those things - to start acting the way they want to feel.

It is possible to act your way into feeling what you want to feel. It's a little more work, of course, since feelings drive a lot of behavior. When the feeling comes first, action flows easily and spontaneously. But do you really want to be at the mercy of your emotions?

Try taking charge and act your way into the sexual feelings you want to feel.

Manly Men

In addition to exploring touch that's not orgasm-focused and then tapping into intimacy, men can become more sexual beings by identifying what makes them feel really alive. As I've discussed previously, a passion for life feeds sexual passion so it pays to stay excited, curious, and open to wonder. Don't let your mind or body get lazy - keep learning every day and stay physically active. Make sure you're feeding your spirit, as well, by staying in touch with what gives your life a sense of purpose and meaning.

Think about how you define masculinity. Does being a man mean bringing home the bacon, fixing the leaky faucet, chugging a beer during Monday night football, performing in the bedroom? How about tenderness, sensitivity, and compassion? We are all victims of society's narrow definitions of what it means to be male or female. The more you expand your definition of what it means to be a man, the more you bring wholeness to your sexuality.

Sexual Doing vs. Sexual Being

As discussed in yesterday's post, women are not the only ones who've been shortchanged in their sexual learning. Men's sexual conditioning has basically reduced their sexuality to the functioning of their penis. So how can men make the move from sexually 'doing' to sexually 'being'?

First, men need to take some pressure off their penis and stop measuring their manhood by the frequency, quality, and reliability of their erections. Focusing on non-sexual touch is a good beginning, moving on gradually to sexual touch that doesn't end with intercourse. In the focus on the finish line, many men (and their partners) have given short shrift to their many non-genital erogenous zones.

Second, men can ramp up their attention to the intimacy and connection available in sexual contact. Being fully present with your partner changes the focus from outcome to process and brings the whole self into play.

Tune into tomorrow for more on men as sexual beings.