Sharing and Acting Out Fantasies

I've been asked whether it's advisable to share fantasies with a partner and maybe even act them out. Sharing and acting out fantasies requires a great deal of trust on the part of both partners. Of course, it depends somewhat on the nature of the fantasy being shared. If you would fully expect your partner to respond with disgust and revulsion at the suggestion of acting out one of your more bizarre fantasies, you're probably better off keeping it as mental imagery. A fantasy and a reality can be experienced very differently.

I would recommend using some caution in deciding whether or not to share your most private fantasies. Risking self-disclosure can promote greater openness and trust which can enhance intimacy - and some role-playing during sex can spice up a sex life that's become too routine - but sometimes the sharing of fantasies creates a great deal of distress in couple relationships. It's smart to do a cost/benefit analysis.

Can Your Fantasy Life Be Harmful?

The great majority of sexual fantasies remain just that - fantasies. Just because you fantasize about sex with your 18-year-old babysitter or you imagine having an army of personal sex slaves doesn't mean you're going to act out those fantasies. Most people use sexual fantasies as a way to spice up their sex life or as an accompaniment to masturbation. But is there a risk to fantasizing?

The primary downside to fantasizing - particularly when it isn't shared with a partner - is that it can be a barrier to intimacy. When you're involved in a mental screen play while engaging in sex with your partner, you're not really present. It may be one of the reasons that so many people prefer making love with the lights out and their eyes closed - it allows the world of fantasy to come to life. Some people don't even want sound intruding into their private fantasy world and may go so far as to ask their partner to be silent during sex. It's not surprising that a lover may feel objectified and 'cheated on' if their partner is starring in their own personal and private sex scene.

Fantasizing can also be problematic when it is compulsive or becomes the only way that a person can get turned on or function sexually. An over-reliance on fantasy during sex or a preference for masturbating to a fantasy over sex with a partner creates distance in relationships and often induces shame and guilt.

For the most part, fantasies are harmless. Just be sure you're not missing out on the real thing.

How Weird ARE You?

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

What Is a Fantasy?

Is that a stupid question? Are we all talking about the same thing when we use the word fantasy? Probably not. There are lots of fantasies that have nothing to do with sex and are focused on improbable dreams of being a rock star or a lottery-winner. We all have daydreams that reflect our unfulfilled desires and secret longings. But sexual fantasies are often puzzling in that they are poorly understood and may seem completely inconsistent with what an individual might want in real life.

So I'll start with a definition - this one is from Who's Been Sleeping In Your Head by Brett Kahr: A sexual fantasy is a conscious thought or set of thoughts that contain a depiction of a sexual act or acts, a sexual scene or scenes, sexual imagery, and often sexual language, which will produce pleasurable sensations ranging from mental enjoyment to physical arousal in the genitalia. A sexual fantasy can be a fleeting thought lasting only a few seconds or can be a complex narrative that continues for 30 minutes or more. It can be accompanied by masturbation leading to orgasm, or it can occur in our minds during foreplay or intercourse with another person. For most adult men and women, the same sexual fantasy is replayed again and again.

Think your personal sexual fantasy is weird? I'll explore that topic tomorrow.

Fantasies

Another one of the workshops I attended at AASECT was on fantasies. It's a fasinating subject because fantasies exist in an individual's very private, subterranean world and are frequently unshared, even with a sexual partner. Many people wonder if their fantasies are 'normal', especially if the content is something they would never want to enact in real life. Others wonder if fantasizing about someone other than their partner during sex means that their relationship is in trouble - or even if it's a form of infidelity.

Though fantasies can provide a great deal of pleasure, they are also a source of guilt and anxiety. Next week I'll be posting on some of the perplexing questions posed by fantasy.

Have a great holiday weekend! I'll be back on Tuesday.

Outercourse

One of the workshops I attended at the AASECT conference was on painful bladder syndrome or interstitial cystitis. It's only one of several disorders that make intercourse a painful proposition. When intercourse becomes painful, it's only natural that a couple's sex life can take a major hit. But rather than avoiding sex altogether, it's important that couples get creative and talk openly about new ways of remaining physically intimate.

In addition to oral and manual stimulation, couples may want to experiment with outercourse. Basically, outercourse involves the use of a lubricant while the penis is thrusting between the thighs or between the breasts. The former can be done from a spooning position or the standard missionary position. If couples want to continue having intercourse, careful thrusting and experimenting with different positions such as side-to-side or angled missionary can be helpful.

Chronic pain can be very debilitating. It's critical that a person dealing with this kind of pain not feel isolated and alone. Maintaining intimacy in the couple relationship decreases the sense of aloneness and helps a couple stay on the same side of the problem.

State of Affairs

I forgot to mention in yesterday's post that I was on National Public Radio's State of Affairs program yesterday discussing Taking Sexy Back. If you missed the program and are interested in listening to it, you can access it by going to http://www.wfpl.org/ and then clicking on State of Affairs. The program will be available in the archives.

More Sex Toys

Yesterday I mentioned a couple of new sex toys I was able to check out at the conference I just attended. Today, I want to pass along some more information on a few more popular products and websites you might want to explore.

At www.sportsheets.com, you can find products that tickle, restrain, or just provide leverage for maximum pleasurable contact. The website includes video demonstrations of the various products. The company is a little heavy into bondage but also offers items that assist with sexual positioning.

At www.we-vibe.com, you'll find information about the 2008 "Sex Toy of the Year." The we-vibe is a clitoral and G-Spot vibrator that is worn during lovemaking. And yes, there is still room for a penis in there. If you are wondering how that's possible, there is an anatomical diagram provided on the website.

Back from AASECT

I just got in from Phoenix this evening. The conference of the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists was informative and entertaining, and my presentation on Taking Sexy Back was extremely well-received. Apparently I’m not the only therapist who’s noticed a sexual malaise affecting a significant segment of the population, and the audience was eager for tips to take back to their clients.

It was refreshing to be in an environment in which sex was being discussed openly and frequently – not only in the workshops, but in the pool, by the bar, in the elevators, and in the lobby. The attendees took the subject of sex seriously, but were not lacking a sense of humor and playfulness.

Hanging out in the exhibit hall, I was able to check out some of the latest innovations in sex toys and sexual aids. I got a hands-on look at the new vibrator that hooks up to your ipod and vibrates to the rhythm of whatever tune happens to be playing. I tried out the candle that, when lit, produces warmed lotion for pouring on your lover’s body. It doesn’t burn the skin and provides a relaxing ambience for lovemaking.

I’ll share some more substantial conference learning in upcoming posts. Right now I’m just basking in the afterglow…

AASECT

I'm heading to Phoenix today to attend the annual conference of The American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists. I'll also be presenting at the conference - doing a workshop on Taking Sexy Back. Hopefully, I'll return with lots of new ideas and information on how to keep sex a vital and satisfying part of your life.

I'll return to posting on Monday, May 18th.

Tuning Into Desire

If low desire people can become easily aroused when viewing sexual images, why don't they feel more desire? The answer lies in the response to arousal. A person can be quick to get aroused but equally quick to stifle that response at the slightest distraction. They may also have a very active sexual inhibitor that squelches any feeling of desire.

According to an article in the New York Times, the best approach for treating those who suffer from low sex drive may be to focus on enhancing arousability rather than desire - to forget about sexy thoughts and to emphasize sexy feelings, the physical cues or activities that arouse one’s sexual circuitry. The rest will unwind from there.

Researchers have also gathered considerable evidence that the sensations of sexual arousal, desire and excitement are governed by two basic and distinctively operating pathways in the brain — one that promotes sexual enthusiasm, another that inhibits it. The trick is to tune into the part of the brain that capitalizes on the often subtle arousal signals.

Desire - The Brain's Interpretation

The experience of desire - even for those blessed with high desire - may not be as spontaneous as you would imagine. It's been described by some researchers as a cognitive overlay that the brain gives to the sensation of already having been aroused by some sort of physical or subliminal stimulus.

In a series of studies at the University of Amsterdam, Ellen Laan, Stephanie Both and Mark Spiering demonstrated that the body’s entire motor system is activated almost instantly by exposure to sexual images, and that the more intensely sexual the visuals, the stronger the electric signals emitted by the participants’ so-called spinal tendious reflexes. By the looks of it, Dr. Laan said, the body is primed for sex before the mind has had a moment to leer.

Interestingly enough, even low-desire people exhibit the same physical arousal patterns when exposed to sexual images as the higher desire folks. So why don't they translate that arousal into desire? More on that tomorrow.

What is Desire?

We throw around the phrase 'sexual desire' as if we're sure we're all talking about the same thing. But desire is complex, and there's a lot of variety in how people describe and experience it. Researchers in the sexuality field have spent a lot of time trying to understand and unravel the mysteries of desire.

According to sex researchers William H. Masters, Virginia E. Johnson and Helen Singer Kaplan, a sexual encounter begins with desire - a craving for sex that arises spontaneously and pushes a person to seek a partner. That encounter then leads to sexual arousal, followed by sexual excitement, climax and resolution.

It turns out that it frequently doesn't work that way. I'll talk about that tomorrow.

Taking A Break

I'll be out of commission for the next couple of days recovering from gall bladder surgery. The surgery went well, and I'm feeling pretty decent, but I'm not up to sexy thoughts just yet. I hope to be back on Monday.

Gaining by Losing

I'm sure I don't need to tell you how dramatically a poor body image can affect your sex life. This is more true for women than for men. The more overweight a woman is, the more likely she is to report problems with low sexual desire, difficulty with sexual performance, and lack of enjoyment. But research from the Duke Diet and Fitness Center is encouraging. Research shows that losing even 10% of your body weight can rekindle the flame.

Martin Binks, the research director, says: "We saw dramatic reductions in the number of people reporting sexual difficulty following moderate weight loss - and the most significant improvement was seen during the first three months."

So you don't have to have the perfect body or even have reached your weight loss goal - just start losing a few pounds and you may start gaining something you didn't expect.

ED Drugs - Side Effects

I recently ran across an article that addressed a question about the possibility of hearing and vision loss from the use of erectile dysfunction medications. Apparently, there have been a few instances of men experiencing a sudden decrease or loss of vision or hearing - typically in one eye or in one ear - after taking one of these drugs. However, these incidents have been so rare that a direct link hasn't been established.

With vision loss, virtually all known cases have occurred in men who had cardiovascular risk factors such as high blood pressure or diabetes. The article concluded that the potential risk of hearing or vision loss is so small that most men don't need to avoid these drugs. However, if you've experienced sudden hearing or vision loss - whether it seemed to coincide with taking an ED drug or not - it's probably best to talk to your doctor about other options for treating erectile dysfunction.

Financial Strain

Hopefully you celebrated the Derby without paying the price with a nasty hangover or an empty wallet. Now it's back to real life.

If you and your partner are dealing with financial stress, it's probably taking a toll on your relationship. The shaky economy has left many people feeling worried and depleted, and they often retreat into themselves rather than sharing the fears with their partner. But moving away from each other just intensifies the fear and sets the stage for conflict.

You're a lot better off when you get on the same side of the problem and deal with it as a team. Making time and energy for sex can help you stay connected and help you remember that you're a couple rather than two isolated individuals. Plus, sex is a good respite from financial worries - and it doesn't cost a thing.

Celebrating Yourself

Since today is my birthday, I thought I'd write a little about self-celebrations. A friend is planning a surprise for my birthday this year, but in past years, I've never left it to chance. I'd arrange lunch with a friend, a professional massage, a leisurely browse through a plant store, some time outdoors, and dinner with my husband. My birthday has always been a day for self-indulgence and self-affirmation.

Sound self-centered? I'm sure it does to some, but I firmly believe that our ability to love others begins with our ability to love ourselves. Loving our very imperfect selves is also critical to our sexuality. When you don't value yourself or feel comfortable inside your skin, it's very difficult to embrace your sexuality or to risk intimacy with your partner.

So even though today may not be your birthday, it's just as good a day as any to start celebrating yourself. You and your partner will both reap the rewards.