Expanding Your Notion of Desire

Differences in desire often spark intense conflict, tension, and resentment because of the meaning that people attach to desire. Here are some ideas to consider that might expand your thinking:

(From Intimacy and Desire by David Schnarch)

• Your brain, body, mind, and relationship are one whole system in which sexual desire plays a key role. Problems with sexual desire and struggles of selfhood go hand in hand in love relationships.
• Developing and maintaining a solid sense of self greatly shapes your sexual desire. Your reflected sense of self and solid self often outweigh horniness, hormones, or your desire for intimacy and attachment.

The Positions

No, I'm not going to describe exciting, guaranteed-to-bring-multiple-orgasms positions. The positions I'm talking about refer to low desire and high desire. Did you ever consider that these two positions are not limited to your sex life?

In Intimacy and Desire, David Schnarch says, "There is a low desire partner (LDP) and a high desire partner (HDP) on virtually every issue and decision in your relationship. One partner wants to do something that the other doesn't, or wants to do it less. Even if you and your partner both want the same thing, one of you will want it more. At every point of contention, high desire and low desire are positions partners take relative to each other. No one is the LDP or HDP on everything. Positions shift on different issues. You may be the HDP for sex, but your partner could be the HDP for intimacy."

What that means is that there is no 'correct' frequency of sexual encounters, and neither the HDP or the LDP needs to be defensive about their particular level of sexual desire.

Who Controls Sex?

In every relationship, there's always one partner who's lower in desire than the other. So, who do you think controls sex? It's always the lower desire partner. Now maybe if that's you, you're thinking about all the times you have sex when you don't really want to. But that's still YOU deciding to have sex. And maybe resenting it the whole time it's happening.

If you're the lower desire partner, you probably wish you weren't. You may think something's wrong with you, and your partner probably validates that view. But there may be nothing at all 'wrong' with you - you may simply have a lower sex drive than your partner.

Often what's wrong is not one partner wanting too much sex and the other not wanting it enough - what's wrong is how they go about dealing with the difference. I'm going to be discussing this issue in upcoming posts because it's the source of untold misery and conflict in couple relationships.

What Men Get From Prostitutes

Ever wonder why men frequent prostitutes? Many people assume that johns are losers who can't get sex any other way, but the vast majority of guys who visit prostitutes are ordinary men - most of whom are married or in committed relationships.

According to an article in Psychology Today, men who go to prostitutes often have more sexual partners than those who don't. So if desperation isn't the motive, then what is? It can be anything from a need for variety to the thrill of doing something secret and illicit. Men often use prostitutes to act out fantasies they couldn't with their wives or girlfriends. Men can also be totally selfish since they're paying for the sex to be all about them.

The downside? Men who come to view women as objects may have difficulty sustaining interest in normal relationships. The world's oldest profession might take a real hit if more men were whole sexual beings instead of sexual doings, and their wives/girlfriends were more open to sexual adventure.

Field Trip

Next time you and your lover have some time to kill before you head to the movies for date night, try visiting the sexuality section of the nearest bookstore. You might want to browse the how-to section to see if there are any new skills or tricks you can add to your repertoire. But don't stop there - make sure to check out the erotica offerings and decide together on something to purchase.

Once home, try reading some passages aloud to each other. That alone may be enough to generate some heat. You might even try enacting one of the scenes.

Men's Health suggests checking out "Heat Wave: Sizzling Sex Stories" by Alison Tyler, "Five-Minute Erotica", by Carol Queen, and the "Black Lace Series", by Kerri Sharp.

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Louisville Sex Survey - Representative?

This week, I've been posting on a recent sex survey completed by 550 people in the Louisville area. The average age of respondents was 40. If you're interested in reading the full results of the Louisville Sex Survey, pick up a copy of Louisville Magazine. I'd be interested to hear your feedback, as I was a little surprised by some of the responses.

I've always considered this part of the country to be pretty conservative, with more traditional views on sexual practices. Yet, there was a pretty high approval rating for sex on a first date and one-night stands. Is that because people who are likely to complete this kind of survey are generally less conservative? That would be my guess, but maybe not. What are your thoughts - on the issues themselves as well as on the survey? I'd love to hear from you.

More Sexy Movies

From time to time, I've posted on movies I thought packed a lot of heat. Well, here are the staff picks from Louisville Magazine:

To Die For (1995) - Stars Nicole Kidman, Matt Dillon, and Joaquin Phoenix

Vicky Christina Barcelona (2008) - Starring Scarlet Johansson, Penelope Cruz, Rebecca Hall, and Javier Bardem.

The Year of Living Dangerously (1982) - Stars Mel Gibson and Sigourney Weaver

Body Heat (1981) - Kathleen Turner and William Hurt turn on some fiery passion. This one may be old, but it's a classic.

The Notebook (2004) - Lots of chemistry between Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling in this pretty predictable but romantic film.

National Lampoon'ss Christmas Vacation (1989) - Personally, this movie wouldn't make my list of top ten sexy movies, but the staff member who picked it was an impressionable 9 year-old when he first saw it. The scene that impresssed him was the one in which Clark fantasizes about a hot brunette named Mary.

Louisville Sex Survey Cont.'

Here are a few more interesting responses from Louisvillians suveyed about sex:

Frequency of visiting sexually explicit websites during the past 4 weeks while alone:
Not at all: 26% of men, 77% of women
Once or twice: 18% of men, 16% of women
About once a week: 13% of men, 5% of women
A few times per week: 25% of men, 2% of women
Almost every day: 18% of men, 1% of women

Percentage of people who have made (or had made) sexually explicit photographs or videos of themselves:
40% of men
45% of women
34% of married people
50% of unmarried people

Percentage of people who've faked an orgasm:
30% of men
73% of women
49% of married people
58% of unmarried people

Percentage of people who've used a vibrator, either alone or with a partner:
55% of men
79% of women
65% of married people
71% of unmarried people

Louisville Sex Survey Cont.'

Here are some more results from the Louisville sex survey:

Think sex before marriage is OK:
85% of married people and 94% of unmarried people

Think one-night stands are OK:
74% of men and 64% of women
59% of married people and 76% of unmarried people

Wish to have more sex than they currently do:
74% of men and 60% of women
69% of married people and 65% of unmarried people

Have had sex on a first date:
65% of men and 52% of women

Median number of sexual intercourse partners:
Men - 10, Women - 9
Married people - 8, Unmarried people - 10

Louisville Sex Survey

I've posted previously on the results of various national sex surveys. Now the October issue of Louisville Magazine has revealed the results of a sex survey completed by 550 Louisville residents. In case you haven't picked up your own copy of the magazine, I'll post on some of the more interesting findings over the next few days.

How often are Louisvillians having intercourse? If the respondents are representative, it looks like this:

Frequency of intercourse during the past four weeks:
Not at all: 13% of married people; 31% of unmarried
Once or twice: 28% of married people; 18% of unmarried
About once a week: 26% of married people; 13% of unmarried
A few times per week: 30% of married people; 31% of unmarried
Almost every day: 3% of married people; 7% of unmarried

VEINS

No, not the varicose variety. VEINS stands for "very erotic noninsertive sex" and is recommended by Dr. Laura Berman for introducing more romance and intensity into sexual encounters. The key is being sexual without having intercourse. That might include massaging, kissing, stroking - the kinds of things you could do for hours as a teenager before you ever went "all the way". This kind of erotic sex play may lead to orgasm for one of you or both of you, but orgasm isn't the point.

When you get used to going through the same motions that always lead to intercourse, you can end up losing some of your creativity. By exploring other ways to be sexual, couples can increase their eroticism and intimacy - and possibly their interest.

Wardrobe Issues - Reason #10

Today I'm finishing up the top ten reasons for a less-than-ideal sex life reported by women in a survey by Men's Health. Yesterday the reason had to do with body image issues - a related issue has to do with clothing

A long flannel nightgown is a pretty clear message that a woman isn't ready for sex. But buying her an uncomfortable lace teddy and a garter belt isn't going to change her mind - especially if she has body-image issues. The key here: make her comfortable. Start slowly. Buy her a pair of flannel boxers and a cotton tank top. She feels the comfort - you see some skin.

As for you, maybe it's time to retire the ripped Megadeth T-shirt. Get some plain dark-colored T's, switch to boxer briefs, and see what happens. Attention to your own appearance sends a positive signal.

Reason #9 - Body Image

Some advice for men:

The way a woman feels about her body correlates with how inhibited she feels in bed. Sure, complimenting her shoes validates her taste, and saying something about her eyes reinforces her beauty, but praising her most guarded body parts--butt, thighs, waist--may be more important to your sexual satisfaction. "Women spend their lives trying to look good for men," Fisher says. "So a woman who feels she's sending the right visual signals is pleased with herself."

The surprising part: The very best time for a "nice ass" shout-out is when there's absolutely no chance that you'll be having sex soon, like before you walk into her parents' house for Sunday brunch. "It's a gift to compliment her outside of the bedroom," says Fisher. Praising her body at times other than when there's a bulge in your pants reinforces your sincerity.

Reason #8 - Stuck in a Routine

The average man's sex life stays the same or even improves once he ties the knot. To ensure this outcome, do what good pitchers do--throw changeups into your nightlife at least once a week.

"Novelty is good for sex, and I don't just mean novel sex. Novelty in your social life," Fisher says. It can be as simple as skipping dinner to play miniature golf or listening to a live band instead of the car radio.

Anything that makes the start of your evening less predictable can change up the ending, as well.

Reason #7 - Boredom

A Kinsey Institute study found that nearly one-quarter of women reported some distress in their sexual relationships in the preceding month. One of the most common causes of dissatisfaction: boredom.

"The common denominator of satisfied couples is that they're very playful," says sex therapist Ava Cadell, Ph.D., author of The Pocket Idiot's Guide to Oral Sex. "My definition of sex is adult play. It should be fun and recreational. You should laugh and release all those pleasure endorphins. A sense of humor is an essential ingredient in great sex because it takes pressure off performance."

Reason #6 - Job Stress

This one cuts both ways. Too much stress can be as deflating to a sex life as a litter of puppies in the bedroom. If that's the case, there's little you can do at home to fix matters--the change has to come at work. If your work is hindering your sex life, it's probably affecting your health, too. So have that talk with your boss to clear the air, change your duties, and see if you can free up some hours and some brain space that will revive your love life.

But ironically, a stressful job (or even a dangerous one) involving some level of competition, as in law or sales, can actually improve it. "Real competition can drive up testosterone, which boosts libido," says Helen Fisher, Ph.D., author of Why We Love.

"Being amped up by a high-powered, high-stress job is more likely to make you more sexually active" than idling in a cushy, low-key career. Balance is the key.

Reason #5 - Eating Too Much

Romantic dinners are nice. But wolfing down that romantic dinner can backfire. Share an entrée to eat less and spark a passionate interaction, says Bunny Crumpacker, author of The Sex Life of Food.

"Choosing a meal together and sharing the dish can boost your sense of cooperation," she says. Your best bet: Whip up a dish at home--66 percent of the women we surveyed said they'd be more likely to have sex after a home-cooked meal.

Reason #4 - Conflicting Schedules

Sixty-hour workweeks plus social plans can leave both of you too tired to tangle. But pumping up the passion at the beginning of your week sets the tone for days to come. If you're both schedule-driven types, start inserting gym time into your Outlook calendar.

Go to the gym together on Monday or Tuesday: Studies show both sexes experience a surge of libido-boosting testosterone 30 minutes after a workout. Shower and then hit the bedroom. "It'll zap stress and the sexual momentum will last through the weekend," says Michael Breus, Ph.D., author of Good Night.

Reason #3

Number 3 in the top ten reasons for a lackluster sex life: A Houseful of Kids. From Men's Health:

If tantrums and diapers are polluting your passion, ditch the kids (for a night). "It's all about creating opportunity," Dr. Raskin says. "Spontaneity is enviable, but planned sex can be great, too." Particularly if you're not getting enough. You know that couple next door? They're probably in a similar situation, so propose a kid swap. You take theirs on Friday, they take yours on Saturday. If the neighbors are freaks, go home when the kids aren't: lunchtime. Nearly 40 percent of women would be willing to get busy at noon.

Top Ten Reasons Cont.

On Monday I started to post on the top ten reasons why couples aren't having more sex as reported in a survey of 1,000 women by Men's Health. But then I got distracted with other post ideas.

Back to it - here's number 2 on the list: endless bickering.

Fighting over serious issues is normal, but bickering can cramp your sex life, says Valerie Davis Raskin, M.D., author of Great Sex for Moms. Unless compromise is easy, "it's often better to put minor disputes aside," she says. "You shouldn't talk over everything endlessly." In our survey, the most trivial quarrels were about the house. Avoid them by playing to each other's strengths. Then divvy up the decisions accordingly.