Cold Feet

When it comes to differences between men and women, one place we see them for sure is in the bedroom. Neuropsychologist Dr. Louann Brizendine-author of The Female Brain-says that women must feel comfortable to be receptive to sex.

Just thinking about or visualizing sex sends bloods rushing to the penis. But it takes much more to put women in the mood. “Temperature and comfort are very important to achieving orgasm,” Dr. Brizendine says. “Researchers in the lab found that if they didn’t keep the woman’s feet warm, they had difficulty reaching climax. So cozy socks may not be sexy, but they get the job done.”

Romantic Getaways

Here is a list of the 14 Best Romantic US Getaways as listed by Travel and Leisure:

New York City
Whidbey Island, WA
Napa Valley, CA
Telluride, CO
Savannah, GA
Miami Beach, FL
Northern California Coast
San Francisco, CA
Honolulu, HI
Bar Harbor, MA
Maui, HI
Palm Springs, CA
Woodstock, VT
Sedona, AZ

The Great Outdoors

As discussed yesterday, vacations can be the perfect time to reenergize an otherwise stalled sex drive. But if a trip to an Hawaiian paradise is out of the financial picture, it doesn’t mean that you have to abandon adventure altogether.

A summer hike through the woods could provide the perfect opportunity for an outdoor tryst, and skinny dipping in a backyard pool could be both refreshing and exciting. You might even try pitching a tent in the back yard. The focus of these activities doesn’t necessarily need to center around sex, either. Fun and playfulness are crucial aspects to maintaining desire in any relationship. Plus, doing something adventurous with your partner increases dopamine, which in turn stimulates sexual excitement.

So don't despair if a big trip isn't included in your summer plans. If you get creative, your sex life can still reap the benefits of summer fun.

Vacation Sex

One of the joys of summer, as reported by FOXSexpert, Yvonne Fulbright, is the opportunity to have more vacation sex. Couples tend to go on vacation during the summer, reaping the benefits of a romantic destination. Submerged in a new environment, they thrive off a sense of adventure that emboldens their sexual ventures. With vacation lending itself to better moods, lovers find themselves experiencing increased sexual desire and response.

Being away from their laptops and cell phones further boosts a couple's summer "sexperiences." Far from office and home demands, couples feel more relaxed. The effect of simply loosening up makes for more amazing intimacy, and many couples experience a boost in the quality and quantity of sex. They also appreciate the fact that they're focusing on nothing more than their relationship and each other.

If you're lucky enough to have summer vacation plans, be sure to exploit the opportunity to invigorate your sex life.

Sunlight and Libido

With the warm, sunny days of summer replacing the cold, dark days of winter, many people are finding that their sex drive has also warmed up. Why is that? Our body chemistry and hormone levels are directly related to the sun. The amount of sunlight you receive affects the number of nerve messages sent to certain parts of the brain. This activity affects the level of certain brain chemicals such as serotonin and hormones such as melatonin. These chemicals and hormones are thought to affect your mood. So, with less sunlight in the winter months, changes in the balance of certain chemicals and hormones may trigger depression.

Even for those individuals who don’t find the dark winter months depressing, the warm, long days of summer may still elevate mood and libido. Although it is wise to limit direct sun exposure, spending more time outdoors this season may improve both your attitude and your sex life.

Out of Hibernation

Summer is here, and the time for hibernation is over. Many of us find it much easier to hole up in winter, eat more, exercise less, and decrease our daily activity as a direct result of cold and inclement weather. This season of hibernation can directly affect one’s sex life, however, and can cause emotional distance with a partner.

The sun is out, animals have left their lairs, and nature is calling. The time has come to move more, eat lighter meals, and reenergize a sluggish sex life. You may find that just a simple shift in attitude will awaken your sex drive.

Q and A Challenge

Here are some fun questions to discuss with your partner, taken from Hot Summer Sex: Touch, Touch, and More Touch by Al Link and Pala Copeland. First, each of you write down how you think your partner would answer the following questions. Then talk about your answers with each other, and see how well you did.

Where and how do you like to be touched?
What do you want sexually that you are reluctant to ask for?
What does your partner want sexually that you are reluctant to give?
Who usually wants sex more frequently?
Who usually wants sex to last longer?
List three things your partner likes the most during sex.
List three things your partner does not like during sex.
Invent a fun, safe non-verbal way to communicate with each other what you do and don’t like in lovemaking.

How Well Do You Know Your Partner's Body?

Yesterday, I discussed getting to know your partner's favorites as a way to increase connection. Today, I'll be exploring the more physical aspects of intimacy.

How well do you know your partner’s body? Have you ever looked deeply into your partner’s eyes and really examined the complexity of their color? Have you studied the curvature of your lover’s back, their birthmarks and freckles, or the lines on the palms of their hands?

You might be surprised at all that you see when you really take the time to study the miraculous beauty and intricacies of the human form. Let this exploration be both playful and safe. Anything that increases intimacy supports a great sex life.

Getting to Know Each Other - Favorites

Over the next couple of days, I will be posting about how well you know your partner. Sexual satisfaction begins in the brain and is intrinsically linked to intimacy. Knowing your partner's likes and dislikes, favorite things, and feelings can be a major turn-on and leads to a deeper, more meaningful relationship. Try making a game out of getting to know your partner better. Compose a list of questions and try guessing your partner's answers before they reveal them. Even those of you have been together for a number of years might be surprised at what you may learn about your partner.

Here are a few ‘favorite’ starters: Food, color, animal, perfume, actress, actor, TV show, alcoholic drink, game, flower, writer, singer, poem, painter, car, dessert, ice cream, or secret fantasy. The possibilities are endless.

Tomorrow, the body…

Cooling Down and Heating Up

Yesterday, I posted on the power of touch and the hormone oxytocin. The summer season is a perfect time to heat up your sex life through touch and increase skin-to-skin contact. Here are a number of ways you can rev up your sex life this summer, both in and out of the bedroom:

1. Rub your partner with sunscreen, lotion, or moisturizer after a day at the beach or an afternoon by the pool.

2. Take a shower together to cool off after enjoying a late-night dinner out on the deck.

3. For a really sexy cool-down, take turns rubbing ice cubes on each other’s bodies. Combine this activity with exploratory kissing of the nipples, neck, stomach, and toes.

4. Sleep in the nude.

There is not reason that the rising temperatures outside can’t raise the heat in the bedroom, as well.

Love Potion

Many think that love potions are mythical concoctions created to woo a suitor into falling in love, but do they actually exist? To some degree, they do, and the most powerful elixir of love is absolutely free: oxytocin. A mammalian hormone released as a neurotransmitter in the brain, oxytocin is responsible for bonding, touch, love, and maternal behaviors.

Oxytocin is released when you bond with another person and causes you to want touch, which in turn, makes you feel good and desire more. Women, because of their high estrogen levels, are especially affected by oxytocin. Generally, the more a woman is touched, the faster she’ll make the shift into a sexual mindset and will feel the desire to bond.

Although this love potion can’t be bottled and sold on department store shelves, it is literally right at your fingertips. Touch is a very powerful aphrodisiac

Pleasure Profile

Over the last week, I've posted on the sexual pleasure myths as reported by the Journal of Sexual Medicine. The truth is, however, that although studies are helpful in researching human behavior, pleasure can not be adequately described in a survey. Pleasure is highly individualized, especially in regard to sexual activity.

Sexual pleasure is dependent on many things. Safety, security, trust, comfort, and arousal all affect the pleasure centers of the brain. It is important to know and understand your body to better understand what pleasure means to you. By exploring your own pleasure profile, you can better give and receive pleasure with your partner.

Sexual Pleasure Myths cont.'

Myth #4: Drug companies maintain the myth that longer is better

True. According to the research conducted at Penn State and posted in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, the pharmaceutical companies who manufacture and market erectile dysfunction drugs have a huge financial interest in perpetuating the myth that longer sexual intercourse is more pleasurable.

Although there are millions of men who seek the aid of drugs because they suffer from erectile dysfunction, there are also millions of men who use medication to improve their sexual performance. The pharmaceutical companies feed this growing market of men by maintaining the myth that women want longer sessions of intercourse in order to be pleasured.

Sexual Pleasure Myths cont.'

Myth #3: The longer intercourse lasts, the better the sexual pleasure.

False. Although the Penn State pleasure study did find that most people agreed that 1-2 minutes of intercourse was too short, longer intercourse wasn’t necessarily better. Most participants agreed with sex therapists-‘normal’ intercourse usually lasted somewhere between 3-13 minutes, with 7 minutes being average. The research indicated that for most individuals, 10-30 minutes of intercourse was too long.

Of course, individual preference is the key, but the study dispelled the myth that long sessions of intercourse should be the sexual goal. Couples who compared themselves to this unrealistic standard actually set themselves up for disappointment.

Mayo Clinic Psychologist, David Osborne, Ph.d., was noted as saying that the most important consideration for a fulfilling sexual relationship wasn’t “whether a couple’s sexual activity matches some average, but whether each partner is satisfied and comfortable with the sexual relationship.”

Sexual Pleasure Myths Cont.

Myth #2: Sexual satisfaction is based on the man’s erection

False. The Penn State researchers not only found that sexual satisfaction was not based on the size of a man’s penis, but that satisfaction was not based on the man’s erection, either. Neither size nor erection seemed to directly impact pleasure. What they did determine was that satisfaction was affected more by the amount of time spent from penetration to ejaculation.

Sexual Myths

For the next couple of days, I will be posting on the results of a Penn State study on sexual pleasure. According to the study, as posted in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, there are a number of commonly held sexual myths that may be negatively impacting your sex life.

Myth #1: Sexual Satisfaction is based on the size of a man’s penis.

False. According to the researchers, sexual satisfaction in the majority of cases is not based on the size of a man’s penis. Most women report the same sexual satisfaction regardless of her partner’s size.

The Butterfly

Here's one more exercise for sexual health. Lie on your back with knees bent. Feet should be together and flat on the bed. Next, pull your feet in until they touch your buttocks. Turn your ankles so the soles of your feet are facing each other and touching. Your knees will point out to the sides of the bed. Lower your knees toward the bed taking care not to force them down. You or your partner may gently press downward on your inner thighs. When your knees are as far apart as is comfortable, hold for 60 seconds. Gently bring the knees back together with your hands and relax.

This exercise can also be done sitting up, back-to-back with your partner. Sit up as straight as possible with your spines pressed gently together. Relax your shoulders and keep your head in line with your spine. Bring your feet in as close to your body as possible, and turn them so your soles touch and knees point out. Clasp your feet. Breathe deeply and watch as your knees begin to lower, taking care not to force the knees down.
The butterfly is also beneficial for menstrual irregularities and urinary problems and is thought to help ease the pain of childbirth.

Pelvic Stretches

In addition to Kegels, there are several other exercises that help keep the muscles used during sex limber and flexible and help facilitate orgasm. The following stretches can be done in the bedroom on a firm mattress or on the floor. Wear either loose clothing or nothing at all, and consider playing your favorite music. See if you can get your partner to join you.

Pelvic Lifts: Lie on your back with knees bent and slightly apart. Feet should be flat on the floor and arms at your side. Inhale, clenching your abdominals and buttocks and lifting the pelvis until your back is straight. Take care not to arch your back. Breathe as you hold the position for at least 10 seconds. Exhale as you lower your body and repeat the exercise.

After you complete your lifts, try a few pelvic bounces, an exercise that can "evoke powerful sexual feelings," according to sex therapists David and Ellen Ramsdale.

For a variation on the pelvic lift, keep knees bent and slightly apart. Your palms should face up. Inhale and lift your pelvis just slightly off the ground. Then, exhale and let it down so your lower back bounces gently against the floor. Experiment with variations. Your goal is to feel a sense of openness and release.

Sexual Warm-Ups

Though I've mentioned Kegel exercises in the past, I think it's a subject worth posting on again. Unlike the muscles in your arms or legs, sex muscles are rarely active during the course of the day. However, by strengthening these "secret" muscles, couples can enjoy more intense sex.

Kegel exercises firm the muscles of the vagina, helping women gain muscle control (to grip the penis) and reach orgasm more easily. But Kegels aren't just for women. Men can use this exercise to delay ejaculation by contracting the pubococcygeal (PC) muscles just before orgasm, then fully relaxing them.

Here's a reminder if you've forgotten how Kegels work: Contract your PC muscles by clenching, as though stopping urine, and hold for at least two to three seconds per squeeze. Inhale as you squeeze each time and try to fully relax your muscles between each contraction. So you don't get sore, start with just 10 or 20 squeezes. Kegels can be practiced nearly anytime and in any place.
Practice until you can do at least 100 to 200 each day. "The squeeze" is easy and can stimulate erotic feelings. Daily workouts for about one month should yield results.

Exercise for Sex

According to Discovery Health, the surest way to whet sexual appetite and increase sexual activity is through physical exercise. Here's what they have to say: Aerobic exercise revs up hormones, flushes stress, whittles away fat and rejuvenates the body. Regular exercise also increases blood flow to the genitals, priming men and women for sex.

A University of California study of middle-aged, sedentary men found that after just one hour of exercise three times a week, the men demonstrated improved sexual function, more frequent sex and greater satisfaction. Similarly, researchers at Bentley College in Massachusetts found that women in their 40s engaged in sex more often (about seven times per month), and enjoyed it more than a sedentary group of peers.

Since sex can be an act of endurance, improving cardiovascular fitness with aerobic activity such as walking, running, cycling or swimming for at least 30 minutes, three times per week, will help both partners perform longer and more often. Keeping core muscles strong helps increase strength and stamina, adding to prolonged, more pleasurable sex.

Intimacy

Yesterday I quoted Thomas Moore on the gifts of sex, one of which is intimacy. But what is
intimacy and can sex truly provide it? The answer is both yes and no.

The word intimacy has come to take on sexual connotations, but true intimacy is much more than the physical act of sex. Real intimacy actually refers to a close connection with another person as a result of entering into a deep and meaningful relationship. Intimate relationships exist between partners, but they can also exist between friends, parents, and children. Deep intimacy involves revealing yourself completely to another person and allowing your heart to been seen.

We all have physical, emotional, mental, social, and spiritual needs that we want to have met within our primary relationship. When all of these areas are working in harmony in our lives, sex can provide a deep, intimate connection. If intimacy is not present, however, the sexual relationship will not satisfy us and our true needs go unmet.

To have a meaningful sexual relationship, you must first have an intimate connection. This happens through closeness and tenderness, sharing of your passions and interests, and a solid foundation of friendship and respect. Intimacy and sex can be vitally linked, but only when you are coming from a place of open communication and honest emotion.

If you're feeling like your sexual life is suffering, perhaps you should first work at restoring intimacy to the relationship. The rewards will extend far beyond the bedroom.

Quote

Here's a great quote from Thomas Moore's Dark Night of the Soul: "Sex involves precisely those things that are most important to the soul: love, curiosity, fantasy, desire, pleasure, intimacy, and sensation."

Is there anything else that engages you on so many different levels?