Sex Dates

There's nothing wrong with scheduling sex - and with people's lives as busy as they are, I highly recommend it. Waiting for both partners to get in the mood at the same time is leaving too much to chance. Scheduled sex doesn't have to be passionless and unromantic. In fact, knowing that sex is on the agenda gives both of you time to plan and prepare for it.

So how do you prepare? You start out the day flirting. You send a suggestive email. You get the kids to bed a little earlier than usual. You take a shower or soak in a relaxing bath. You fantasize or read some erotica. You light some candles. Whatever helps you to tune into your sexuality and that of your partner is part of the preparation.

So what do you find more romantic - falling into bed exhausted only to learn that your partner is interested in more than sleep or planning ahead and having a chance to get primed for lovemaking?

Date Nights

I frequently find myself pushing couples to create special time together, whether it's regular date nights or scheduled sex dates. But even those can become hum-drum without the investment of a little energy and creativity. How do couples in long-term relationships keep romance alive when a date night is just dinner and a movie and a sex date is just one more chore to check off the list?

You might want to try an idea from Men's Health. Pepper Schwartz, Ph.d., suggests that a man have his lover ditch her underwear during dinner. The naked secret creates a different kind of dining experience. Of course, if you're a woman, you don't need to wait for your partner's suggestion. If that's a little too daring for you, just play footsie under the table or put a few moves on your partner during the movie. There's something very erotic about foreplay in public places where actual sex isn't a possibility.

Tomorrow I'll talk about the lead-in to sex dates.

Sex Tip #2

Being creatures of habit, predictable sexual routines are pretty standard in long-term relationships. That's okay until you need some help in jump-starting your desire - or the desire of your partner. That's when changing things up becomes important.

I've posted previously on the value of taking sex out of the bedroom. Starting the action on the couch, in the den, or in the kitchen obviously introduces some variety in terms of location, but it does more than change the scenery. When you have sex in the same place every time, you tend to repeat the same moves and predictable patterns. When you start something up in a new place, it's less likely that you'll fall into the same old routines.

Eroticism is fed by unpredictability. Be sure to keep some surprises in your lovemaking.

Interesting Sex Tip

In an article in Men's Health on how men can improve their sex lives, it was suggested that men feed their lovers black licorice. Apparently black licorice has been shown to speed up women's genital bloodflow by 40 percent according to Ava Cadell, a sex therapist.

Not being a fan of black licorice, I haven't personally given this a try. There was no mention in the article of whether red licorice had the same effect, but I may try out a box the next time we go to the movies.

I'll share some more sex tips from the article over the next few days.

Perimenopause and Testosterone

Testosterone is a key player in your sex drive - it affects interest, arousal, sexual response, lubrication and orgasm. Many women in perimenopause don’t have enough testosterone.

Before menopause, testosterone comes primarily from the ovaries, both directly and indirectly through their production of progesterone. DHEA, a hormone produced from progesterone in the adrenal glands, also partly converts into testosterone. If your adrenals are healthy as you approach menopause, they’ll smoothly take over more of the sex hormone production from your ovaries. If you’re under too much stress, though, the adrenals work overtime, favoring cortisol instead of DHEA production. This can lead to low testosterone levels and low libido.

Some women maintain good levels of testosterone throughout perimenopause and menopause, and have no complaints. Their bodies probably compensate better by making testosterone from the pathways of other steroidal hormones, through more balanced adrenal function, and a healthy metabolism supported by good nutrition.

Supplemental testosterone is available, and it may be an option to discuss with your doctor if you've experienced a significant drop in your sex drive. Equally important in maintaining libido, however, is keeping a check on stress, exercising, eating and sleeping well, and avoiding the build-up of resentment in your relationship.

Physical Changes in Perimenopause

As perimenopause progresses, the drop in estrogen can create thinning, tightening, and dryness in the vulva and vagina. These changes can lead to such discomfort that some women come to dread sex because of the pain.

There are a number of water-based lubricants to reduce friction during intercourse that are highly effective such as Astroglide and Slippery Stuff. Drinking plenty of water is also helpful in keeping the mucous membranes of the body moistened from within.

If these measures don't take care of the problem, there are many prescription estrogen products that can be applied vaginally. It's important to talk to your doctor about the options that are available. Simply avoiding sex not only doesn't solve the problem, it can contribute to further atrophy of the vaginal tissue.

Addressing Relationship Changes

Your partner may understandedly be confused and upset when the rules of the relationship seem to change mid-stream. When couples build a life together, they're living with some unwritten and unspoken contracts - who initiates lovemaking, who makes the decisions, who apologizes first after a fight, whose job it is to plan social outings, etc. etc.

When women begin claiming more power in their relationships, the old contracts may no longer work. But rather than turning into a shrew and attacking your partner for doing what he's always done, you need to renegotiate the rules. Explain how you're changing and what you need to see change in the relationship. Acknowledge the difficulty your partner may have in accomodating to your shifting needs. Emphasize how important the relationship is to you, and stress your interest in preserving intimacy between you.

Change is tough, but you'll have a better shot at getting your needs met and holding onto your relationship if you approach the changes directly and positively.

Mid-life Relationship Issues

You certainly don't have to reach mid-life to have relationship problems, but if you've managed to maintain a fairly decent relationship for 10 or 15 years or more, you may be surprised when things you've tolerated in your partner for years suddenly seem intolerable.

One reason is that in perimenopause women often stop putting the interests of others first and start paying more attention to themselves. As women begin claiming more power and asserting themselves in their relationships, there is an increased potential for conflict.

If your needs aren’t being met in your relationship, if the two of you don’t deal with problems openly and constructively, if you aren’t treated with respect and fairness, if your partner is self-absorbed or self-destructive — these common patterns can destroy the intimacy and trust that keep sexual desire alive over the long term.

It's usually easier to address these problems than to switch partners. I'll talk about that tomorrow.

Perimenopause

Many women experience menopausal symptoms as much as 10 years before the actual onset of menopause. In this time leading up to menopause, changes in sexuality can begin to surface.

A woman's sexual identity is often rooted in her sense of attractiveness to men, which is typically based on having a youthful body. As she approaches mid-life and gravity takes its toll on her body, she may feel undesirable and therefore less interested in sex. Biologists say humans are the only species in which females are sexually aroused by their own pheromones — so “feeling sexy” is necessary to feel desire. With Hollywood having defined "sexy" as thin, big-breasted, young, and gorgeous, it's harder as women approach mid-life to experience themselves as sexually vibrant beings.

Relationship issues often emerge in mid-life, as well. I'll address that tomorrow.

Past Lovers

Do you talk about past lovers with your partner or sometimes mention something an ex did in bed with you that you really liked? If so, you're running the risk of creating fear and insecurity in your partner that's really unnecessary. Not that you need to pretend that you don't have a sexual history. It's just that sex is such an intimate act that it's safer to keep it as present-focused as possible.

Most people worry some about measuring up in their lovemaking skills. We each need to feel that our partner enjoys sex with us more than anyone they've ever been with in the past. Feeding insecurity doesn't usually make your partner work harder to please you. The best lover is one that feels confident and special, not one that is worried about how they compare to the lovers in your past.

He Can't Be Everything

What's your idea of intimacy? Some women get frustrated with a partner who doesn't 'connect' on all the levels they're looking for and use that frustration as a reason to avoid sex. It might be a partner who doesn't do well with deep, emotional conversations or a partner who doesn't like to take long walks or go antique shopping.

Many men struggle with emotional intimacy and may not be as empathic as some of your girlfriends. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you. He may need to work on being more supportive and understanding, but you may need to work on accepting the ways that he's different from you. It's important to let your partner know what helps you feel loved and cared about. It's equally important for you to know that sex may be what helps him feel loved and cared about.

Learn to appreciate what your partner does for you. There's a reason - hopefully several reasons - why you fell in love with him. Focus more on that than on all the ways you find him deficient, and you might find yourself feeling a little more interested in sex.

TV's and Laptops

I've written before about the need to pay attention to your bedroom - to make it a serene haven for you and your lover. I hear frequently from couples, however, who make a regular habit of watching TV in bed or who bring their laptops to bed with them. Talk about a turn-off!

Not that there's anything wrong with relaxing a bit with a movie you're both into or a mutual favorite TV show, but what I hear more often is one person is watching something the other couldn't care less about or one partner is catching up on emails while the other is rolled over in the bed feeling pretty insignificant.

The bedroom isn't the best place for multi-tasking. Even when sex isn't on the agenda, spending some time just cuddling with your partner and connecting before drifting off to sleep is a lot better for your sex life than allowing technology to come between you.

Letting It All Hang Out

Getting comfortable in a relationship often means that you take less care to protect your partner from the less pleasing aspects of yourself - and I'm not just talking about your impatient, irritable qualities. You might feel less of a need to shave frequently or brush your teeth before making love. You might floss your teeth while watching TV with your partner, or pick the dirt out from under your toenails. You may leave the bathroom door open when you're peeing, and think nothing of farting in your partner's presence.

There's a good side to all that familiarity because it means you feel safe enough to let it all hang out. But it can have a negative impact on your sex life. When you take all the mystery away and become too sloppy, you definitely become a little less sexy not only in your lover's eyes, but maybe in your own, as well.

Even if you and your partner are comfortable with the good, the bad, and the ugly in each other, you might want to cut down on the latter two when you're wanting to set the stage for love.

Book Availability

I've had several requests for information on my book, Taking Sexy Back, which is now available for purchase. The easiest way to buy it at this point is online through amazon.com. In the coming weeks, it should be available in local bookstores, as well. If you'd like a personally signed copy, you can send a check for $25 to the address on my website, and I'll be glad to send the book out to you.

It's been a long journey from the first rough draft two years ago to finally seeing my book in print. I've learned a lot along the way and continue to see a real need for a different approach to sexuality. Until we develop a real understanding of ourselves as sexual beings, there's going to be an ongoing struggle to keep sex a vital part of our lives.

If you're a new reader, welcome. If you've been reading my blog for awhile, thanks for hanging around.

Women's Sex Mistakes cont.'

Sex Mistake #5: (From LifeScript)

Overreacting when he suggests something new

Most of us do the same thing day in and day out. And whether it’s in the bedroom or the boardroom, routine can get boring. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to spice up your love life. Men like looking at, trying out and experimenting with new things; there’s nothing sinister about it. Suggesting something new is not an implied criticism of you. It’s just a simple craving for variety. The best part is that he wants to try it with you.

Women's Sex Mistakes cont.'

Sex Mistake #4: (From LifeScript)

Not giving him any guidance

Pleasing a woman is no easy task. So help him out! Give him explicit directions – when, where, how hard, how fast, and more.If you’re too embarrassed to cue him verbally, find another way. For example, if you’re watching a sex scene in a movie, say something like, “That’s a good move” or “That doesn’t do it for me.” Or bookmark pages in a sex book and ask him to read them. Or let out a moan when he does something that pleases you. Because when it comes to sex, communication is key.

Women's Sex Mistakes cont.'

Sex Mistake #3: (From LifeScript)

Obsessing about your body

So the numbers on the scale aren’t what you’d like them to be. Putting on weight is no excuse for avoiding sex. Or maybe you’re fine with your weight but there’s some other figure flaw you’re fixating on. Guess what? If he wants to have sex with you, he thinks you’re sexy. If your self-image is hindering your sex life, consult a therapist, join a support group or read a self-help book.

Women's Sex Mistakes cont'.

Sex Mistake #2: (From LifeScript)

Thinking sex ends when he climaxes

Just because he’s been fulfilled doesn’t mean you’ve been. Let him know you’re not done yet; help him find other ways to finish the job using his hands or mouth. If he’s consistently too wiped out to give you the attention you deserve, plan to have your needs met before his next time.

The ideal of partners reaching orgasm simultaneously is an unrealistic goal. Sometimes it happens - and that's great - but having it as an expectation can set you up for disappointment and leave one of you unsatisfied. Incorporate strategies into your lovemaking that allow for differences in your arousal timetables.

Women's Sex Mistakes

It's not just men who are prone to fumbles in the bedroom. This week I'll cover some common sexual blunders that women make.

Sex Mistake #1: (From LifeScript)
Assuming he’s always up for sex

This might hold true for teenage boys, but not necessarily for men. Once males hit their mid-20s, a whole lot of things are competing for their energy. Pressures of work, bills and everyday life can put a major damper on his libido. “He’s not like a vibrator,” as Cox puts it. “You can’t just plug him in and expect him to perform on cue.” That doesn’t mean he doesn’t desire you anymore. He just truly may not be in the mood.