Taking a Break

After two-and-a-half years and over 600 blog entries, I think it's time to take a break. I hesitate to say I'm shutting down permanently because I'm always learning something new about sex and like having a format for passing it on.

So check in after the first of the year. Maybe after a break through the holidays, I'll have more to share.

Thanks to all of you who have been faithful readers. I hope you continue seeking passion in all that you do. Remember - sexy is a state of mind.

Water Erotic

Bodies feel good in the water. Are you maximizing the possibilities that water provides to stimulate your sex life? It could be playing together in the shower or taking a leisurely double soak in a garden tub. Adventurous types may start and finish in the tub or shower, but if that sounds awkward or just too much work for you, you can still enjoy some sensuous foreplay while getting clean.

Though we're moving into cold weather, don't forget the great opportunity for skin-to-skin contact in pools, lakes, rivers, and oceans. You can always visit the pool at your local Y during the winter if you're not lucky enough to be planning a getaway to somewhere warm. You're semi-clothed and you're in public, so it only goes so far, but you can play under the surface, which adds tension. If there's enough privacy for skinny-dipping, all the better. And winter is the perfect time to get up close and personal in an outdoor hot tub.

Simultaneous Orgasms

Some couples feel pressure to reach orgasm at the same moment. That's nice when it happens, but it's an unrealistic goal for every sexual encounter. Even having the expectation that both partners reach orgasm -period - in every sexual encounter creates undue pressure and may even work against that possibility.

If orgasm is your goal, however, it often works better when you go for one orgasm at a time - usually starting with the woman. As the male partner, you can practice getting the manual or oral timing just right to maximize your partner's pleasure. The more you learn about your partner's response to certain stimulation and the more easily you can help facilitate her orgasm, the more enthusiastic she'll be about returning for more.

If you're the female partner, don't just assume that your partner's orgasm is going to be an automatic and that you don't need to pay attention to his specific needs. Ask him how it works best for him and how the two of you together can give him the most satisfaction. Just because his orgasm may be easier to achieve than yours doesn't give you a free pass to let him work it out on his own.

Exploring New Regions

You know what a turn-off it can be to get into a sexual routine that's totally predictable and lacking in imagination. Do you and your partner always go for the tried-and-true hot spots to turn each other on? Do you really have a thorough map of your partner's erogenous zones outside of those that are obvious and reliable?

Taking some time for exploration can uncover erogenous zones you never knew existed - on your partner's body and even on your own. For example, did you know that the back of the neck, the base of the spine, and the spot right above the pubic hairline are loaded with nerve endings? Try exploring these regions with gentle stroking and kissing and be open to feedback from your partner. When sex is about discovery rather than a particular outcome, everything gets a whole lot sexier.

USE Your Sexual Desire Problems

By now it should be clear that sexual desire differences - and the problems that flow from them - are inevitable in relationships. The key is what you do with them. The problems can actually be useful in the relationship if they are used productively.

David Schnarch suggests that desire problems push us to become more solid within ourselves.
He says, "How you feel about your partner, yourself, and your relationship is critical to robust desire. Enhancing desire requires more than breaking sexual routines. It involves intimacy, passion, eroticism, respecting yourself, and liking your partner - and being mature enough to be more capable of all these things."

So resolving differences in desire involves a lot more than simple compromises. It's about increasing intimacy. That's a lot more complex but infinitely more rewarding.

Expanding Your Notion of Desire

Differences in desire often spark intense conflict, tension, and resentment because of the meaning that people attach to desire. Here are some ideas to consider that might expand your thinking:

(From Intimacy and Desire by David Schnarch)

• Your brain, body, mind, and relationship are one whole system in which sexual desire plays a key role. Problems with sexual desire and struggles of selfhood go hand in hand in love relationships.
• Developing and maintaining a solid sense of self greatly shapes your sexual desire. Your reflected sense of self and solid self often outweigh horniness, hormones, or your desire for intimacy and attachment.

The Positions

No, I'm not going to describe exciting, guaranteed-to-bring-multiple-orgasms positions. The positions I'm talking about refer to low desire and high desire. Did you ever consider that these two positions are not limited to your sex life?

In Intimacy and Desire, David Schnarch says, "There is a low desire partner (LDP) and a high desire partner (HDP) on virtually every issue and decision in your relationship. One partner wants to do something that the other doesn't, or wants to do it less. Even if you and your partner both want the same thing, one of you will want it more. At every point of contention, high desire and low desire are positions partners take relative to each other. No one is the LDP or HDP on everything. Positions shift on different issues. You may be the HDP for sex, but your partner could be the HDP for intimacy."

What that means is that there is no 'correct' frequency of sexual encounters, and neither the HDP or the LDP needs to be defensive about their particular level of sexual desire.

Who Controls Sex?

In every relationship, there's always one partner who's lower in desire than the other. So, who do you think controls sex? It's always the lower desire partner. Now maybe if that's you, you're thinking about all the times you have sex when you don't really want to. But that's still YOU deciding to have sex. And maybe resenting it the whole time it's happening.

If you're the lower desire partner, you probably wish you weren't. You may think something's wrong with you, and your partner probably validates that view. But there may be nothing at all 'wrong' with you - you may simply have a lower sex drive than your partner.

Often what's wrong is not one partner wanting too much sex and the other not wanting it enough - what's wrong is how they go about dealing with the difference. I'm going to be discussing this issue in upcoming posts because it's the source of untold misery and conflict in couple relationships.

What Men Get From Prostitutes

Ever wonder why men frequent prostitutes? Many people assume that johns are losers who can't get sex any other way, but the vast majority of guys who visit prostitutes are ordinary men - most of whom are married or in committed relationships.

According to an article in Psychology Today, men who go to prostitutes often have more sexual partners than those who don't. So if desperation isn't the motive, then what is? It can be anything from a need for variety to the thrill of doing something secret and illicit. Men often use prostitutes to act out fantasies they couldn't with their wives or girlfriends. Men can also be totally selfish since they're paying for the sex to be all about them.

The downside? Men who come to view women as objects may have difficulty sustaining interest in normal relationships. The world's oldest profession might take a real hit if more men were whole sexual beings instead of sexual doings, and their wives/girlfriends were more open to sexual adventure.

Field Trip

Next time you and your lover have some time to kill before you head to the movies for date night, try visiting the sexuality section of the nearest bookstore. You might want to browse the how-to section to see if there are any new skills or tricks you can add to your repertoire. But don't stop there - make sure to check out the erotica offerings and decide together on something to purchase.

Once home, try reading some passages aloud to each other. That alone may be enough to generate some heat. You might even try enacting one of the scenes.

Men's Health suggests checking out "Heat Wave: Sizzling Sex Stories" by Alison Tyler, "Five-Minute Erotica", by Carol Queen, and the "Black Lace Series", by Kerri Sharp.

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Louisville Sex Survey - Representative?

This week, I've been posting on a recent sex survey completed by 550 people in the Louisville area. The average age of respondents was 40. If you're interested in reading the full results of the Louisville Sex Survey, pick up a copy of Louisville Magazine. I'd be interested to hear your feedback, as I was a little surprised by some of the responses.

I've always considered this part of the country to be pretty conservative, with more traditional views on sexual practices. Yet, there was a pretty high approval rating for sex on a first date and one-night stands. Is that because people who are likely to complete this kind of survey are generally less conservative? That would be my guess, but maybe not. What are your thoughts - on the issues themselves as well as on the survey? I'd love to hear from you.

More Sexy Movies

From time to time, I've posted on movies I thought packed a lot of heat. Well, here are the staff picks from Louisville Magazine:

To Die For (1995) - Stars Nicole Kidman, Matt Dillon, and Joaquin Phoenix

Vicky Christina Barcelona (2008) - Starring Scarlet Johansson, Penelope Cruz, Rebecca Hall, and Javier Bardem.

The Year of Living Dangerously (1982) - Stars Mel Gibson and Sigourney Weaver

Body Heat (1981) - Kathleen Turner and William Hurt turn on some fiery passion. This one may be old, but it's a classic.

The Notebook (2004) - Lots of chemistry between Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling in this pretty predictable but romantic film.

National Lampoon'ss Christmas Vacation (1989) - Personally, this movie wouldn't make my list of top ten sexy movies, but the staff member who picked it was an impressionable 9 year-old when he first saw it. The scene that impresssed him was the one in which Clark fantasizes about a hot brunette named Mary.

Louisville Sex Survey Cont.'

Here are a few more interesting responses from Louisvillians suveyed about sex:

Frequency of visiting sexually explicit websites during the past 4 weeks while alone:
Not at all: 26% of men, 77% of women
Once or twice: 18% of men, 16% of women
About once a week: 13% of men, 5% of women
A few times per week: 25% of men, 2% of women
Almost every day: 18% of men, 1% of women

Percentage of people who have made (or had made) sexually explicit photographs or videos of themselves:
40% of men
45% of women
34% of married people
50% of unmarried people

Percentage of people who've faked an orgasm:
30% of men
73% of women
49% of married people
58% of unmarried people

Percentage of people who've used a vibrator, either alone or with a partner:
55% of men
79% of women
65% of married people
71% of unmarried people

Louisville Sex Survey Cont.'

Here are some more results from the Louisville sex survey:

Think sex before marriage is OK:
85% of married people and 94% of unmarried people

Think one-night stands are OK:
74% of men and 64% of women
59% of married people and 76% of unmarried people

Wish to have more sex than they currently do:
74% of men and 60% of women
69% of married people and 65% of unmarried people

Have had sex on a first date:
65% of men and 52% of women

Median number of sexual intercourse partners:
Men - 10, Women - 9
Married people - 8, Unmarried people - 10

Louisville Sex Survey

I've posted previously on the results of various national sex surveys. Now the October issue of Louisville Magazine has revealed the results of a sex survey completed by 550 Louisville residents. In case you haven't picked up your own copy of the magazine, I'll post on some of the more interesting findings over the next few days.

How often are Louisvillians having intercourse? If the respondents are representative, it looks like this:

Frequency of intercourse during the past four weeks:
Not at all: 13% of married people; 31% of unmarried
Once or twice: 28% of married people; 18% of unmarried
About once a week: 26% of married people; 13% of unmarried
A few times per week: 30% of married people; 31% of unmarried
Almost every day: 3% of married people; 7% of unmarried

VEINS

No, not the varicose variety. VEINS stands for "very erotic noninsertive sex" and is recommended by Dr. Laura Berman for introducing more romance and intensity into sexual encounters. The key is being sexual without having intercourse. That might include massaging, kissing, stroking - the kinds of things you could do for hours as a teenager before you ever went "all the way". This kind of erotic sex play may lead to orgasm for one of you or both of you, but orgasm isn't the point.

When you get used to going through the same motions that always lead to intercourse, you can end up losing some of your creativity. By exploring other ways to be sexual, couples can increase their eroticism and intimacy - and possibly their interest.

Wardrobe Issues - Reason #10

Today I'm finishing up the top ten reasons for a less-than-ideal sex life reported by women in a survey by Men's Health. Yesterday the reason had to do with body image issues - a related issue has to do with clothing

A long flannel nightgown is a pretty clear message that a woman isn't ready for sex. But buying her an uncomfortable lace teddy and a garter belt isn't going to change her mind - especially if she has body-image issues. The key here: make her comfortable. Start slowly. Buy her a pair of flannel boxers and a cotton tank top. She feels the comfort - you see some skin.

As for you, maybe it's time to retire the ripped Megadeth T-shirt. Get some plain dark-colored T's, switch to boxer briefs, and see what happens. Attention to your own appearance sends a positive signal.

Reason #9 - Body Image

Some advice for men:

The way a woman feels about her body correlates with how inhibited she feels in bed. Sure, complimenting her shoes validates her taste, and saying something about her eyes reinforces her beauty, but praising her most guarded body parts--butt, thighs, waist--may be more important to your sexual satisfaction. "Women spend their lives trying to look good for men," Fisher says. "So a woman who feels she's sending the right visual signals is pleased with herself."

The surprising part: The very best time for a "nice ass" shout-out is when there's absolutely no chance that you'll be having sex soon, like before you walk into her parents' house for Sunday brunch. "It's a gift to compliment her outside of the bedroom," says Fisher. Praising her body at times other than when there's a bulge in your pants reinforces your sincerity.

Reason #8 - Stuck in a Routine

The average man's sex life stays the same or even improves once he ties the knot. To ensure this outcome, do what good pitchers do--throw changeups into your nightlife at least once a week.

"Novelty is good for sex, and I don't just mean novel sex. Novelty in your social life," Fisher says. It can be as simple as skipping dinner to play miniature golf or listening to a live band instead of the car radio.

Anything that makes the start of your evening less predictable can change up the ending, as well.

Reason #7 - Boredom

A Kinsey Institute study found that nearly one-quarter of women reported some distress in their sexual relationships in the preceding month. One of the most common causes of dissatisfaction: boredom.

"The common denominator of satisfied couples is that they're very playful," says sex therapist Ava Cadell, Ph.D., author of The Pocket Idiot's Guide to Oral Sex. "My definition of sex is adult play. It should be fun and recreational. You should laugh and release all those pleasure endorphins. A sense of humor is an essential ingredient in great sex because it takes pressure off performance."

Reason #6 - Job Stress

This one cuts both ways. Too much stress can be as deflating to a sex life as a litter of puppies in the bedroom. If that's the case, there's little you can do at home to fix matters--the change has to come at work. If your work is hindering your sex life, it's probably affecting your health, too. So have that talk with your boss to clear the air, change your duties, and see if you can free up some hours and some brain space that will revive your love life.

But ironically, a stressful job (or even a dangerous one) involving some level of competition, as in law or sales, can actually improve it. "Real competition can drive up testosterone, which boosts libido," says Helen Fisher, Ph.D., author of Why We Love.

"Being amped up by a high-powered, high-stress job is more likely to make you more sexually active" than idling in a cushy, low-key career. Balance is the key.

Reason #5 - Eating Too Much

Romantic dinners are nice. But wolfing down that romantic dinner can backfire. Share an entrée to eat less and spark a passionate interaction, says Bunny Crumpacker, author of The Sex Life of Food.

"Choosing a meal together and sharing the dish can boost your sense of cooperation," she says. Your best bet: Whip up a dish at home--66 percent of the women we surveyed said they'd be more likely to have sex after a home-cooked meal.

Reason #4 - Conflicting Schedules

Sixty-hour workweeks plus social plans can leave both of you too tired to tangle. But pumping up the passion at the beginning of your week sets the tone for days to come. If you're both schedule-driven types, start inserting gym time into your Outlook calendar.

Go to the gym together on Monday or Tuesday: Studies show both sexes experience a surge of libido-boosting testosterone 30 minutes after a workout. Shower and then hit the bedroom. "It'll zap stress and the sexual momentum will last through the weekend," says Michael Breus, Ph.D., author of Good Night.

Reason #3

Number 3 in the top ten reasons for a lackluster sex life: A Houseful of Kids. From Men's Health:

If tantrums and diapers are polluting your passion, ditch the kids (for a night). "It's all about creating opportunity," Dr. Raskin says. "Spontaneity is enviable, but planned sex can be great, too." Particularly if you're not getting enough. You know that couple next door? They're probably in a similar situation, so propose a kid swap. You take theirs on Friday, they take yours on Saturday. If the neighbors are freaks, go home when the kids aren't: lunchtime. Nearly 40 percent of women would be willing to get busy at noon.

Top Ten Reasons Cont.

On Monday I started to post on the top ten reasons why couples aren't having more sex as reported in a survey of 1,000 women by Men's Health. But then I got distracted with other post ideas.

Back to it - here's number 2 on the list: endless bickering.

Fighting over serious issues is normal, but bickering can cramp your sex life, says Valerie Davis Raskin, M.D., author of Great Sex for Moms. Unless compromise is easy, "it's often better to put minor disputes aside," she says. "You shouldn't talk over everything endlessly." In our survey, the most trivial quarrels were about the house. Avoid them by playing to each other's strengths. Then divvy up the decisions accordingly.

The Scalp

When was the last time you gently stroked your partner's hair?

Giving your partner a head massage is one of the most sensual, soothing ways to seduce, show your love to or simply pamper your partner. Massaging the scalp helps lovers to relax and unwind together because it releases oxytocin, a stress-response hormone that produces a state of calm, especially in women.

It's great when relaxation is just what you need - but it's also a good prelude to something a little steamier.

Silent Films

Have you ever thought about watching porn without the sound? Men's Health suggests pushing the mute button and making up your own dialogue. Since the dialogue is usually pretty bad anyway, you won't be missing anything - and you and your partner can practice talking erotically. It's good for reducing inhibitions, and it's also fun if you add a playful element. It may even help reveal some secret fantasies.

If things start to heat up, you can turn off the set altogether and fill in more than just the dialogue!

Top Ten Reasons

Men's Health surveyed 1,000 women and combed through the latest research to narrow down the list of the following top ten reasons you're sex life may be lacking. You'll find most of the constraints of modern society--time demands, distractions, stress, energy levels.

1. Late-Night TV
Here's a disturbing set of statistics: Italian researchers found that people with a TV in the bedroom have half as much sex as those who don't. And yet, 64 percent of couples keep a set in the boudoir. Try getting rid of it. John Stewart won't mind.

"Getting it on is about putting the brain and body in a passionate state--TV does the opposite," says Heidi Raykeil, author of Confessions of a Naughty Mommy. Can't quit? Buy a DVR and watch your favorite shows on weekends.

More tomorrow...

Compliments

How often do you pay your partner a compliment? In long-term relationships, it's easy to get lazy about paying close attention to your partner and giving them positive feedback.

Try giving your partner at least 5 compliments a day for the next week, and see what difference it makes. When people feel noticed and appreciated, it increases a sense of connection. And the more connected partners feel, the more sexually interested they usually are. Compliment what your partner feels good about and cares about -- appearance, talents, work accomplishments, etc. A confident sex partner is an adventurous sex partner.

Things You Should Know About Sex Cont.'

36. He doesn't care if you haven't showered... (but if YOU do, it's only a 5 minute investment of time)

37. Romance can last forever...or at least for a long time. New research shows that long-term relationships can keep their sexual chemistry, intensity and engagement going strong. If they're missing the passion of short-term relationships, that's probably a good thing, according to new research from Stony Brook University in New York. That means they're also free of anxiety and insecurity.

38. It's not you…it's your hormones. How does perimenopause mess up your sex life? Let us count the ways: •Your period lasts forever: you bleed like a stuck pig for seven days, and stain for another three•Your sex drive has shriveled up•You're as dry as dust•Your mood swings like a wrecking ball. Still, it could be worse, and it can be managed.

39. Marrieds do it more. Believe it or not, if you're married, you're having more sex than single people. That may not be saying much -- the average number of times that married people have sex is 66 per year. But that's four more than single people do, according to a 2006 report by the National Opinion Research Center at the University of Chicago. And by now, you're old enough to know that quality counts more than quantity.

40. Your partner thinks you're hot...just the way you are.

Jumpstarting Your Love Life

From Men's Health come some suggestions for putting your love life in a higher gear, starting with kissing for 12 seconds.

As a relationship ages, pecks on the cheek become the default, and they're about as erotic as a pair of baggy sweatpants. A long, lingering smooch reintroduces you to each other. Give her two a day: one in the morning before one of you leaves, and one as soon as you're both home. Mouths open. Arms around each other. "If you kiss like that for the rest of your lives, passion will never fade," Cadell says.

Things You Should Know About Sex Cont.'

31. Nobody wants to hear about it. Spare your friend, sister, college roommate and, especially, your colleague the details of your sex life. It might have been fun to compare notes in your twenties, but as a full adult, it's embarrassing and just plain gross. Put yourself in their shoes -- Do you really want them to picture you and your spouse doing it on the roof?

32. Smutty is sexy. Dirty talk (aka "Aural Sex") is a real turn-on for some couples. It can be as clean or raunchy as you both like. Just make sure you know where your partner draws the line between dirty and disgusting.

33. Casual sex isn't for everyone. Brief casual sexual encounters may sound like a kick, but for many women, they're not a great experience. In a 2008 study by Durham University in England, only 54 percent of the women who'd had a one-night stand had positive feelings about it. Surprise, surprise: 85 percent of men thought it was just dandy.

34. Anything goes. What used to be too "kinky" to contemplate is jolly good if you've finally shed your inhibitions in your old age. What better time to make a sex tape, strip, try out a fantasy or whatever you've secretly wanted to do? Guaranteed, if it's exciting to you, it will be orgasmic for your mate.

35. The toes have it. Next time you go down on your mate, go way down. If you haven't discovered this already, toes are one of the key erogenous zones for both men and women, along with fingers, earlobes and the back of the knees.

Things You Should Know About Sex Cont.'

For the next 3 days, I'm going to finish up the 40 things you should know about sex by age 40 as listed in an article in Prevention:

26. A little cleavage goes a long way. Do you really think you look hot with your shirt buttoned up to your chin? Or a T-shirt shrouding your tankini? Get over yourself already. You may have stretch marks and spider veins everywhere else, but with the right support, your boobs can still hold their own. So let 'em show, and you'll feel sexier than you have in a long time.

27. Making the first move...is as much a turn-on for you as it is for your partner.

28. It's not you...it's him. Contrary to popular belief, men aren't always ready and raring to go -- especially middle-aged men. Many go through their own form of menopause as their testosterone levels start to drop. After the age of 30, testosterone levels decline approximately 1 percent per year, with a steep drop between the ages of 45 and 50. So if he takes longer or is less gung-ho, go easy on him…and yourself.

29. He doesn't care if you can't quite button your pants.

30. His nipples are as much fun as yours. Imagine if your partner never touched your nipples during foreplay or sex. Ignored them entirely. Well, why are you ignoring his? Men's nipples are as important to them as yours are to you. Slightly more than half of the men surveyed in a 2006 study by the University of Sheffield in England said nipple stimulation caused or enhanced their arousal. But only 17 percent ever asked for it.

Things You Should Know Cont.'

21. Money isn't everything...but when it comes to sex, it certainly helps. Women who had wealthy husbands or boyfriends reported having more orgasms than those who didn't, according to a 2009 survey by Newcastle University in England.

22. Good kissing is a good sign. Studies show that women tend to assess a relationship by how skilled his smooching is. And they're more likely to have sex with a man who does it well.

23. Ladies first. You're likely to be eager -- if not aching -- to give right after you've received. So everyone wins if he gets you off first.

24. Intercourse doesn't cut it. In case you thought you were the only one, you'll want to know that nearly one-third of women never or rarely have orgasms during intercourse. That's because thrusting rarely stimulates the clitoris, the most reliable source for the ultimate pleasure.

25. Less sex means more work. If you're not having sex, what are you doing with your time? Chances are, you're working more. Men and women both turn to work to fill the void when they have sex less than once a week, according to a survey of 32,000 people by the University of Gottingen in Germany. Bo-RING.

Things You Should Know Cont.'

16. Nobody does it better than you You can lie around waiting for your partner to bring you to orgasm, but you'll get there a lot faster if you take care of it yourself. When women masturbate, they typically climax in less than 4 minutes. When they're engaged in foreplay and intercourse, it can take 20 minutes. Your best bet for a speedy climax: using a vibrator.

17. Fantasy is fabulous. If your regular sex routine is a little stale, invite Johnny Depp and his pirate hat into bed with you. Losing yourself in a sex fantasy spices up the real thing, and boosts your overall sex drive. Sharing certain fantasies can add even more zip. In a 2004 ABC News poll, more than half of all men and women said they talk about their fantasies to boost their sex lives. The most common fantasies? Unexpected sex, threesomes, and sex at work.

18. If you're too tired, it's too bad for him. The best thing about getting older is that you can do -- or not do -- whatever you want. Say it nicely, and your partner should understand if you've got a headache or you want to watch the "Desperate Housewives" marathon instead of making love.

19. Size matters -- to him A survey of 50,000 heterosexual men and women showed that the vast majority of women (85 percent) felt satisfied by their man's size, while nearly half of all men (45 percent) were unhappy with their package. Let him know he's all you need.

20. He doesn't care if you wear flannel to bed.

Things You Should Know Cont.'

11. Honesty: Not always the best policy. So you've thought about cheating -- maybe even stolen a kiss or snuck out for coffee. Should you confess to make up for it? No way. Coming clean only inflicts pain on your partner and damages their sense of trust. If you want to protect him/her and keep your relationship going, swallow your guilt and keep your mouth shut. (I agree only to a point - secrets in a couple's relationship will put limits on the degree of intimacy they share. JC)

12. Love is in the air...as long as your man doesn't shower after his workout. The musky smell of male sweat can be a real turn-on for women. In a 2007 study from the University of California at Berkeley, the scent of a man boosted women's sexual arousal, mood, heart rate, blood pressure and breathing rate.

13. It's never too late Even if having sex is something you do only on birthdays and Bastille Day, you can always get back on the stick. All you have to do is…have sex. You may have to force yourself at first, but the more you do it, the more you want to do it. Start with once a month, then once a week, and who knows? Maybe you'll be a once-a-day person.

14. When it comes to how big, how often, how many times in one night, your friends are lying.

15. It's the next best thing to being there...but not that many forty-somethings know it. According to a 2004 survey by AARP, only 17% of men and 18% of women between the ages of 45 and 49 had phone sex.

Things You Should Know Cont.'

6. It's worth a try. Variety is the spice of life…and of sex. Whether you do it in a hammock or an airplane; on the kitchen floor or in the shower; dressed in leather or in lace, if it's new, it's improved.

7. Porn is hot The idea that women take longer to get aroused just isn't true. Show us some skin and we're off and running. In a 2007 study, women who watched porn got turned on as quickly as men did. Using thermal imaging technology, researchers at McGill University in Montreal found that while watching porn, men became fully aroused in 664.6 seconds (11 minutes), compared to women, who took 743 seconds (12 minutes).

8. Say Ohh instead of Ohm. Craving the calm you get from yoga? Go for an orgasm instead. You feel relaxed after climaxing because you were practically brain-dead while you were doing it. Using scans to measure brain activity, researchers from the Netherlands found that women do not experience emotions such as fear, anxiety and stress during orgasm. When you're in the throes, there's no worrying about the kids' report cards, the weekly grocery list or the pile of bills on your desk. But it's a chicken and egg situation: The only way to reach orgasm is to clear your head of that stuff to begin with.

9. Faking it: pointless. Showing him what you like: brilliant.

10. It's better with your socks on. If your sex life isn't hot, it may be because you're cold. Research from the Netherlands shows that couples with cold feet had a harder time reaching orgasm -- only 50% made it. When couples put on socks, the number jumped to 80 percent.

Things You Should Know About Sex

From Prevention, here's the first part of the list of things you should know about sex by age 40:


1. He doesn't care if you've shaved.


2. Wide beats long every time. If you care at all about penis size (and studies show that women are far more into how penises look than how they're hung), you know that width matters more than length.


3. All the girls are doing it. Masturbating, that is. In a 2004 survey by AARP, nearly half the women between the ages of 45 and 49 said they had taken matters into their own hands in the previous 6 months. And many women have used more than just their hands. In a 2009 survey by the University of Indiana, more than half the respondents had used a vibrator at least once, and nearly one in five had used one in the previous month.


4. He likes the cuddling part, too...and not just because he's half comatose when you snuggle up after sex. During lovemaking, both men and women release the chemical oxytocin -- the so-called "cuddle hormone" that helps new moms bond with their babies. So what does than mean for men? Oxytocin boosts their desire for intimacy, along with their feelings of trust, according to a 2008 study by the University of Zurich. And in this case, what's good for the gander is good for the goose.


5. You really can tell a guy's size by his hands. The longer a man's ring finger, the longer his penis, a study by University of Liverpool shows. Both are determined by the amount of testosterone he was exposed to in the womb. If his ring finger is the same size or smaller than his index finger, he received lower levels of testosterone. If it's bigger…watch out!

Creating a Vision

Yesterday I discussed the power of even a small change in transforming your sexual relationship. If you're having trouble identifying changes that would make a difference, you may want to start with creating a vision of the sex life you'd like to have.

Begin with some questions - they can help you figure out the difference between what you really want vs. what you think you 'should' have:

What does good sex feel like?
How long does it take?
How often does it occur?
Where does it take place?
Is it accompanied by words or by silence?
What does it take to get me in the mood?

These are just a few questions to get you started. Getting a clear picture of what you want will most likely generate some specific ideas about how to get there.

One Small Change

When your sex life leaves much to be desired, it can feel like a monumental effort to revive it. Fortunately, one small change is often all that's needed to trigger a positive spiral.

Think about a change you could make that might make a difference in your own desire or that of your partner. It could be a belief about yourself or just focusing on what made you first fall in love with your partner. It could be a decision to go one whole day without finding fault with your partner or a decision to give him or her a passionate kiss at the end of the work day.

You're probably quite familiar with negative spirals. Don't forget your power to create a positive one.

Top 10 Best Nude Beaches

Just in case you want to let it all hang out at the beach, here are a few ideas for your next vacation (Courtesy of AOL Travel Channel):

Black’s Beach, La Jolla, CA
Baker Beach, SF, CA
Haulover Beach, Sunny Isles (Miami), FL
Little Beach, Maui, HI
Moshup Beach, Martha’s Vineyard, MA
Gunnison Beach, Sandy Hook Gateway National Rec Area, NJ
Kismet and Lighthouse Beaches, Fire Island, NY
Collins Beach, Sauvie Island, Oregon
Hippie Hollow, Lake Travis, Texas
Mazo Beach, Mazomanie, WI

Sex in the Middle of the Night

According to a poll on tressugar.com, sex in the middle of the night is very popular. The results were as follows:

70% of the people polled loved having sex in the middle of the night and felt that there was no better reason to lose sleep.

16% said that they were completely uninterested in sex during the night and would rather wait until morning.

14% hadn’t had sex in the middle of the night, but were open to trying it.

If this survey accurately reflects the preferences of the greater population (and not just the light sleepers), then the middle of the night might be a good time to get something going. For couples living with children, it may be one of the few times you can be relatively assured of privacy. If you haven't given it a try, talk to your partner to determine his/her interest. Or, if you're not afraid of your partner suffocating you with your own pillow, initiate sex tonight and see if you get a positive response.

Sex Before Sleep

For lots of people, sex only happens - when it happens - as an afterthought right before going to sleep. I'm not suggesting that's necessarily a bad thing, but in addition to it being a low-energy time that works against passion and creativity, it may actually interfere with your sleep.

For women especially, getting intimate right before bed may leave you revved up instead of relaxed. If you notice that this is the case, you may want to consider changing your sex schedule to the mornings or early evenings, and giving yourself time to unwind afterward.

Afternoon Sex

For most people, sex in the afternoon might prove difficult aside from the occasional Sunday brunch in bed. With busy work schedules, the demands of a family, and an endless list of responsibilities, sex is often the last thing you think of in the middle of the day. But, maybe that is the problem.

Maybe sex in the middle of the afternoon is exactly what you need to get a break. Wouldn’t it perhaps give you more energy to get through the workday if you spent your hour lunch break connecting to your partner? If your kids are in school and you have the house to yourself, the afternoon might be the perfect time to have sex-at least every once in a while. Plan ahead with your partner first thing in the morning and maybe the anticipation alone will elevate your mood. Hot midday sex couldn’t hurt, either.

Morning Sex

Askmen.com asserts that one of the basic physiological differences between men and women is their enjoyment of morning sex. It's pretty well-known that men often experience an erection just before waking, which is actually due to a phenomenon called nocturnal penile tumescence. Obviously starting the day sexually stimulated can make keeping the mood a little easier.

This is not to say that some women don’t enjoy morning sex. Not only can sexual desire be higher in the morning due to hormone levels, but a good night’s sleep can provide energy and interest that might not otherwise be there at the end of a long day. A hectic schedule and exhaustion are very powerful desire killers which can be avoided first thing in the morning.

Maybe tomorrow is a good day to set your alarm a little earlier.

When Do You Like to Have Sex?

We all have times when we are more responsive to sex and have higher natural desire. Some people really enjoy morning sex while others have no libido when they first wake up and shudder at the thought of kissing with morning breath. Our preferences have a great deal to do with not only our hormones but our age, gender, and family life. Opportunity and desire must both be in harmony before any kind of sexual encounter can occur.

This week, I'll be exploring the different times during the day when people have sex. I encourage you as you read this week to open your mind to new possibilities. It cannot only add excitement to your sex life, but might bring your desire and response cycle into more alignment with your partner's.

Heating Up with Yoga

Health.com recently posted an article on how yoga can boost your libido. Taking your partner along with you to a yoga studio can be a hot variation on the standard dinner-and-a-movie date night. Yoga dates are intimate, sensual, and cheap, and great for your body and soul, to boot.


“When you move your body you feel good, when your blood starts flowing and you start breathing,” says Jennifer Fink Oppenheimer, a New York–based yoga teacher. “Any sort of exercise makes you feel good, but yoga specifically opens you up.”


If getting your partner to a yoga studio sounds like too big of a challenge, you might want to check out one of the yoga classes on cable TV. It could be an interesting form of foreplay.

Random Sex Facts Cont.'

According to the Kinsey Report, 10 percent of the population is exclusively hetero or homosexual.

According to the Hite Report, candles are the artificial device used more frequently by women when masturbating.

According to the Kinsey Report (1953), 15 percent of the female population was capable of multiple orgasms.

20 million Americans watch pornography annually.

The vagina and the eye are self-cleaning organs.

According to Susan Lark, MD, director of the PMS Self-Help Center in Los Altos, Calif., having sex with orgasm relieves menstrual cramps because the vigorous muscle action moves blood and other fluids away from congested organs.

Random Sex Facts Cont.'

On average, it takes two tablespoons of blood to get a man's penis erect.

According to one theory, people who chew a lot of ice have a high sex drive.

The 1992 Kinsey Report established that the average man's speed of emission was 18 kilometers per hour.

According to the National Institute of Business Management, one of every eight boss-secretary romances ends in marriage. One out of 10 secretaries admits to having been romantically involved with her boss, with only 25 percent saying that the experience had negative impact on their careers.

According to Archives of General Medicine, coffee drinkers have sex more frequently and enjoy it more than non-coffee drinkers.

Random Sex Facts

The typical person spends about 600 hours having sex between the ages of 20 and 70.

Reserachers say that condoms exposed to smog and ozone are less effective.

Americans spend twice as much money on pornography than they do on cookies.

A survey in Cosmopolitan magazine said that foreplay usually last 14 to 17 minutes for the average married couple, and that the man typically reaches orgasm after six minutes of intercourse.

According to the Earthsave Foundation, the sperm count of the average American male is down 30 percent from 30 years ago.

According to Runner's World magazine, two out of three runners say that they fantasize about sex while running. On the other hand, one out of 11 fantasizes about running while having sex.

Dancing to Arousal

I was watching an old movie the other night - I think it was Love and War, starring Sandra Bullock - and it contained a touching scene of Sandra and her soldier-lover, slow-dancing in the nude. It struck me as a very romantic and erotic thing to do. So if you're looking for a new variation on foreplay, you might want to put on your favorite dance music, get naked, and ask your partner to take a slow spin around the bedroom.

Sex Headaches

We've all heard jokes about women avoiding sex by claiming a headache, but do sex headaches really exist? They actually do, but not in the manner the jokes would suggest.

According to the Mayo Clinic’s website, “sexual activity — especially an orgasm — can trigger a headache. You may notice a dull ache in your head and neck that builds up as sexual excitement increases. Or, more commonly, you may experience a sudden, severe headache just before or during orgasm.

About one in 100 people will experience a sex headache at some point during his or her lifetime. Men are at least three times more likely than women to have sex headaches. Most sex headaches are nothing to worry about, but some can be a sign of something serious, such as problems with the blood vessels that feed your brain.”

If you experience headaches during sex, it would be wise to discuss it with your doctor.

American Sex Survey Cont.'

In conclusion to the results of the ABC news’ “The American Sex Survey,” those polled reported:

72% of couples that have been married less than 3 years have sex several times per week, but only 32% of couples that have been married over ten years do.

55% consider themselves ‘sexually traditional’

36% find their sex lives ‘very exciting’

42% feel they are sexually adventurous

29% have had first date sex

American Sex Survey Cont.'

According to those surveyed by ABC news:

30% of individuals fantasized about cheating
14% of individuals had a threesome
12% of individuals had sex at work
70% of men thought about sex daily, but only 34% of women did
83% of men enjoyed sex “a great deal,” but only 59% of women did
74% of men always have orgasms while only 30% of women did

American Sex Survey

For the next three days, I will be posting some of the results from the ABC news’ “The American Sex Survey.”

According to those surveyed:

57% have had sex outdoors
51% discuss fantasies
48% of women have faked orgasms
15% of men have paid for sex
30% of single men over 30 have paid for sex

Sex Pyramid Concluded

Over the course of the last week, I've outlined the different tiers of a sex pyramid as defined in an August 2009 article in Self magazine. Creating a personalized sex pyramid, or repoitoire of different sexual encounters, can add diversity and excitement to your sex life. Today, I'll discuss the final two tiers: take-charge sex and solo sex.

Take-charge sex is respectful, but assertive. You initiate a sexual encounter with the sole purpose of having intercourse. It's a great way to express your desires and demonstrate your passion for your partner. As the article points out, "You increase your pleasure potential when you accept responsibility for your sexual satisfaction and don't sacrifice your needs to those of your partner."

Solo sex is a way to increase your own pleasure profile and take responsibility for your sexual needs when a partner isn’t available or desired. There's no pressure from a partner, and you can concentrate on exploring your body. There are some benefits to solo sex which make it an important part of the sex pyramid, as well.

Sex Pyramid Cont'.

As you continue to build your own personal sex pyramid, you might find a need to incorporate apologetic sex. ‘Make-up’ sex can be a good way to reconcile after an argument or a heated discussion.

According to Self Magazine, “The hormone that's produced during sex, oxytocin (also known as the cuddle hormone), can help facilitate reconciliation. Making love after a fight helps put you in a much more forgiving mood. It can create a willingness to resolve things with each other." Although this type of sex can reignite a connection, this type of sex should be one of the top tiers of your sex pyramid.

Sex Pyramid Cont.'

The next level of your sex pyramid might include what Self magazine coins electric sex. Otherwise known as a ‘quickie’, electric sex is spontaneous, exciting, and to the point. There is very little foreplay and the sexual encounter is pretty brief.

Although electric sex shouldn’t be at the base of your pyramid because it lacks in intimacy and exploration, there are benefits to this type of encounter. Electric sex is easily integrated into a busy schedule and requires less energy. It can also inject some much needed excitement into an otherwise predictable repertoire. As Self describes, “It's a fun, effective way to show your partner that your relationship is still on the radar, so electric sex might occupy one of the middle tiers of your pyramid.”

Sex Pyramid Cont'.

Here's another post on the sex pyramid as described in Self magazine. Today, I'll be describing what is termed 'adventurous sex'.

Anything that is out of the ordinary and exciting, such as a change in location and/or routine, is considered adventurous sex. Adventurous sex will likely improve your sex drive and add more fun to your relationship. You can try a sex toy, discuss or enact a fantasy, have sex in the shower, or experiment with different positions. For many, this type of sex would fall somewhere in the middle of their sex pyramid.

Sex Pyramid Cont'.

Yesterday, I posted on the notion of a sex pyramid as described in the August 2009 issue of Self Magazine. Today I'll explore in more detail one of the styles that can be incorporated into your individual levels of preference.

Intimate sex, as described in the article, is “a leisurely exploration of each other’s bodies that allows you to reestablish your bond, (and) may or may not include intercourse.” Intimate sex is primarily about connection and communication. You move slowly, discuss your likes and dislikes, explore together sensual and sexual connection, and fulfill your desire for closeness. With intimate sex, you remove the pressure for orgasm and focus instead on the desire for intimacy and passion. This type of sex may include intercourse, but the focus is more on affection rather than a dramatic outcome.

Tomorrow, adventurous sex…

The Sex Pyramid

We've all heard of the food pyramid-the daily recommended allowances of food groups that keep you in optimal health. But what is a sex pyramid? Well, according to Self magazine, it's a model for “...integrating different types of sex into your regular routine..." and keeping things interesting.

So, how does the sex pyramid work? First, you establish what style of lovemaking you feel is the most satisfying and use that as your base. The next level would be something you thoroughly enjoy, but not as frequently. Above that would be a style that is fun, but only on occasion, and so forth. Each pyramid can be individualized according to preference and can be shared with your partner to create something that is satisfying for both parties.

Over the next week I will be posting on the six recommendations given by Self and how they can be incorporated into your own personal sex pyramid.

After Sex

From queendom.com, here's a poll on what surveyed men and women do after sex:

Women Men

Cuddle: 38.71% 33.06%
Sleep: 17.27% 23.10%
Wash: 15.41 % 15.05%
Smoke: 10.50% 9.88%
Talk: 10.02% 9.40%
Eat or drink: 4.05% 5.17%
Watch TV: 4.0% 4.3%
Total Votes: 2095 1255

Sex Dreams

What do your sex dreams really mean? Dreams are a very powerful inroad to your subconscious, and although last night's steamy dream about Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie may just seem like a gift of your imagination, it's important to pay attention to what your brain may be trying to tell you.

Most people have erotic dreams from time to time, and understanding those dreams better may actually improve your real-life sexual experiences. While the science of dream interpretation can be unreliable, figuring out what your dreams symbolize can often help improve your life. Either through journaling or with the help of a therapist, you might be able to decode the real meaning of your subconscious. Sex dreams can symbolize sexual attraction, but they can also express feelings of insecurity, vitality, validation, adventure, and personal growth.

Bottom line, enjoy the tryst with Brad and/or Angelina, but take the time to analyze how that dream made you FEEL. It may provide important clues for understanding yourself as a sexual person.

Sleeping Naked

Does sleeping naked improve your sex life? Well, it seems that there is a large group of people (including myself) who believe that it does.

To explore the health and sexual benefits of sleeping naked, try visiting the website:
www.sleepnaked.org

Sleep Apnea and Sexual Dysfunction

In a recent study published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine, a group of German researchers found that obstructive sleep apnea was directly related to erectile dysfunction. In the study, 69% of the men with sleep apnea also had erectile dysfunction, compared to the 34% of men without it. It seems that the loss of oxygen in the brain also negatively impacts sexual functioning.

If you are someone who struggles with excessive snoring and sexual dysfunction, you might want to consult a physician about addressing your sleep apnea. It could improve both your sleep and your sex life.

Red Wine for Love

A friend sent me this piece in an email, and I thought it was interesting:

Female red wine drinkers have a stronger sex drive than those who prefer other drinks or don't drink at all. Italian researchers had women take the Female Sexual Function Index, a test used to asses sexual health, and found that moderate red wine drinkers scored consistently higher than teetotalers or those who prefer another alcoholic beverage. Scientists aren't exactly sure why this is, but one theory is that the antioxidants in red wine act to widen blood vessels, allowing more blood flow to "key" areas.

If you're a social drinker, you might want to try out the theory.

Tantric Sex

Tantric Yoga is an ancient sexual practice designed to improve sex and increase duration. Although the name might sound daunting, there are a number of tantric yoga practices that you can incorporate to easily improve sexual stamina.

1. Relax and increase your body awareness: focus on breathing, not by controlling it, but just through noticing it.

2. Focus on pleasure in sex rather than sexual performance. Let the sexual experience be the ultimate teacher. You can not find pleasure in sex if you aren’t open to learning from your body and your partner.

3. Increase awareness of your sexual arousal. Pay close attention to your arousal levels. Open your awareness to all feelings of pleasure.

4. Stop thinking. Drop your conscious mind out of the picture. Investigate or experiment with techniques to get your internal dialogue to shut down.

Bad Sex? Do It Again!

No matter how much you love your partner and find them physically attractive, there will be times when sex isn’t very fulfilling. Emotional issues, physical illness, and stress are just a few of the things that take our mind off of sex and out of the bedroom.

If you find that your sex life has been dragging a little, it's important not to over-respond. Talk about the issue with your partner, try to bring more peace and health into your life, and remember that sex, like anything else, is cyclical. Every day provides a new opportunity to have great, satisfying sex and to increase intimacy. Focus on the present and not on the past.

Welcome, Charlie!!

Tonight I'm less focused on sex and more focused on one of the possible outcomes of sex - a baby! This morning I became a grandmother for the first time when my son and his wife welcomed a 7-pound baby boy into the world. What incredible joy!

I wish every child could be as wanted and loved and celebrated as Charlie has been today. So my post today is not only to announce Charlie's birth but also to advocate for sex education that promotes responsible sexual behavior, including the use of birth control when a baby is not wanted.

More Foods for Sex

Here are three more foods that may affect hormone levels, brain chemistry, and energy - all of which may heighten arousal and sex drive:


Avocado: Avocados are loaded with minerals, monounsaturated fats and vitamin B6 - all of which help keep your energy and sex drive up. They're also a top source of omega-3 fatty acids, which naturally boost your mood, making you more likely to be interested in some action in the bedroom.


Chile Peppers: These hot items may heat up more than your mouth. The capsaicin in chile peppers is a chemical that's been shown to induce the release of endorphins in the brain. Those endorphins create a feeling of euphoria which may lead to hotter sex.


Licorice: This candy is thought to mimic the effects of estrogen and progesterone, critical hormones for normal reproductive and sexual function. Eating it may help you get in the mood. It can also reduce the symptoms of PMS.

Eating for Sex

Although there isn’t concrete scientific evidence that foods act as aphrodisiacs, anecdotal evidence is peruasive. Here are some foods that may increase your appetite for sex:

Walnuts: These bite-sized powerhouses are full of omega-3 fatty acids and can improve your immune system while getting you in the mood for love.

Chocolate: Dark chocolate, in particular, is known to have properties that both relax and stimulate lovers, while also lowering blood pressure and reducing the risk of heart disease.

Seafood: Shellfish, like oysters, and oily fish, like salmon and tuna, contain calcium, vitamin B and phosphorous—all essential elements for a healthy sex drive.

Strawberries: These heart-shaped fruits contain vitamin C, folate and potassium, and are bite-sized so you can easily feed them to your lover.

Red Wine: The alcohol relaxes you while the antioxidants improve your heart health. Of course, don’t drink to excess—cap your serving at one to two glasses.

Asparagus: Yes, that phallic green vegetable is full of vitamin E, believed to increase the production of sex hormones in men and women.

A few more foods tomorrow...

Cleanliness Before Sexiness

As most of you probably know, something as simple as physical hygiene can make or break the mood. Create a habit of tending to these personal hygiene issues and you might find that you’ll be more ready for your next sexual encounter. You might also have a more interested partner.

Brush and Floss your teeth - often. Use mouthwash or a water pick if necessary.
Shower before climbing under the sheets - even if you normally shower in the morning. It only takes 5 minutes and often makes a huge difference to your partner.
Wear clean, sexy undergarments.
Clean your ears - and trim any stray hairs.
Cut your toenails.

It all sounds pretty basic, but it's easy to get lazy about simple hygiene when you're with a long-term partner. Don't make the mistake of turning off your partner's desire by ignoring the basics.

Take a Sex Break

Sometimes the greatest way to put sex on the mind is to actually take sex off your to-do list. Instead of having sex, try anticipating a future sexual encounter with your partner. Watch an erotic video on a Friday night, have a leisurely breakfast on Saturday morning, and perhaps take a nap later that afternoon.

Ask for your partner's cooperation in creating an opportunity to enjoy intimacy without feeling any pressure for sex. You might find that when you take sex off your list of things you NEED to do, it might magically reappear on your lists of things you WANT to do.

Increasing Orgasmic Potential Cont.'

Here's the last 3 tips for easier and better orgasms:

Play with Toys: Sex toys, and vibrators in particular, often make it easy to reach orgasm. Try incorporating sex toys into your experience with your partner to add stimulation and create a playful, relaxed atmosphere.

Get Wet: Water can be very erotic and can add an element of fun to sex. Experiment with having sex in the shower or a hot tub. Use lubrication during penetration. Try anything that might add another level of physical arousal.

Check your health: If you are concerned about your ability to orgasm or the quality of your sexual experience, it's always a good idea to check your health. Overall good physical health can greatly increase the chance of sexual satisfaction.

Increasing Orgasmic Potential Cont.

Today and tomorrow I'll continue to post on ideas for facilitating orgasms.

Tense and Relax: During sexual arousal and orgasm, it's not unual to unintentionally isolate parts of the body and tense and relax only those areas. Play with your body’s signals by focusing on muscle tension. Try tensing and then relaxing different areas to build better orgasms.

Fantasy: If you're someone who doesn’t tend to fantasize much, you might want to incorporate more fantasy into your sexual repertoire. The brain plays as much of a role in orgasm as the body, so engaging in more fantasy can lead to greater ease in achieving orgasm as well as more intense orgasms.

Increasing Orgasmic Potential Cont.'

Here are some more tips for stronger orgasms:

Find your line: Many people report that orgasms resulting from a slow build-up of arousal are more powerful than quickie orgasms. Start by figuring out where your line is - that point at which you go over the top and have an orgasm. What are the sensations that signal this point? See if you can stop, change focus, and extend your sexual response cycle.

Exercise your pelvis: I've written before on the value of strengthening the pelvic floor muscles through exercise, namely Kegels. The stronger the pelvic floor and the more toned the muscles, the greater the potential for more explosive orgasms.

Try something new: Orgasm is a full body experience. By focusing solely on the genitals, the body isn’t incorporating sexual responses from other areas which might increase the ability to orgasm.

Increasing Orgasmic Potential

Over the last three days I've discussed different types of orgasms. I'm going to follow-up on this discussion by sharing some tips on how to explore your sexual responsiveness and increase your orgasmic potential.

1. Start by breathing: Orgasm has the potential to be a full body experience, and breath provides the foundation of the experience. You can build on your orgasms by playing with your breathing. Hold your breath, take quick breaths, breath in slowly-all have the potential to increase orgasm, depending on your body’s response.

2. Move your body: You can change your orgasm by changing how much you move and what parts of your body you move. Start by paying attention to how your body moves during sex and at the point of orgasm. Experiment with sexual positions and different kinds of movement while paying attention to what feels good.

More tips tomorrow...

Orgasm Primer Cont.'

OK - Here's two more kinds of orgasm you might want to explore:

G-Spot Orgasms: G-Spot orgasms are achieved by direct pressure and stimulation on the G-Spot during vaginal penetration. Many women who experience G-Spot orgasms find that they can be different and more intense than other forms of orgasm.

Fantasy Orgasms: Although there is a debate regarding orgasm without stimulation, there have been several studies and years of anecdotal reports by women who have orgasms from mental fantasy alone. For many, fantasy increases sexual excitement and response, so it may be possible to orgasm without any physical contact. Of course it doesn't mean that something is wrong with you if you can't get off that easily. Most people require a little more than a fantasy to reach the point of orgasm. But the fact that it's possible for some does say something about the power of fantasy.

Orgasm Primer Cont.'

Here are a few more varieties of orgasms:

Relaxation Orgasms: Dodson describes this type of orgasm as coming not from a build up of tension, but from deep relaxation during sexual stimulation. You continue to release tension and relax your muscles until, eventually, the orgasm sneaks up on you.

Combination or Blended Orgasms: Ideally, orgasm is a fluid process. If sex play lasts long enough, you’ll get to enjoy more than one experience during orgasm, which is termed a combination orgasm. For Dodson, who has been teaching women to orgasm for over 30 years, combination orgasms involve a specific set of actions, including: “clitoral stimulation, vaginal stimulation, PC muscle contractions, pelvic thrusting, and breathing out loud.”

Multiple Orgasms: While it is well known that women can have multiple orgasms, men are capable of having multiple orgasms, as well. Dodson distinguishes between multiple orgasms and the “aftershocks of pleasure” that follow a big orgasm. If you count the latter as orgasms, you might score 20 or 30 a night. Not exactly the norm for the big "O".

More tomorrow…

Orgasm Primer

Orgasm isn't a new topic for these blogs, but over the course of the next week, I'll be discussing different types of orgasms in more detail and how to achieve them. Describing different types of orgasms is difficult since physical sensations can differ greatly from person to person. However, in Betty Dodson’s book, Orgasms for Two, she offers a practical breakdown of the different types of orgasms and how to achieve them.

Pressure Orgasms: This orgasm comes from indirect stimulation, no rubbing, but instead applying pressure. It can be achieved by leaning heavily against something or on something.

Tension Orgasms: This orgasm comes from direct and intense stimulation. It usually occurs by holding your body and muscles tight and holding your breath. Dodson considers this the most common type of orgasm because it can be reached quickly and offers an intense build up followed by a sudden release.

More tomorrow…

Final Kissing Tip

There's a good website to visit if you're interested in more information on kissing. Go to www.theromantic.com/kissing/main.htm

This website contains 365 creative ideas to incorporate into your kissing, tips for kissing like a pro, and French kiss techniques. There are also stories - both humorous and romantic - about kissing, as well as kissing games. Everything you always wanted to know...

Meeting in the Middle

Kissing is a popular activity, so men and women have obviously bridged their differences to, literally, meet in the middle. The differences are pretty complementary - most relationships can use a boost in desire as well as connection, and soft, gentle kisses can easily evolve into a passionate exchange of tongues and saliva.

Women need to remember the role that oxytocin plays in kissing and let it work its magic following the next spat with their partner. Men would do well to remember the power of kisses to spark desire the next time they're interested in sex with their partner.

Kissing is a good barometer of how happy a couple is. And maybe if you're not particularly happy in your relationship, some good kissing could improve things. It's worth a try.

Women and Kissing

Men may use kissing to induce desire, but women use kissing to promote closeness. Kissing increases the levels of oxytocin, which encourages attachment and bonding. The novelty of kissing someone new may also release dopamine, which fosters romantic love.

Kissing is a kind of assessment tool for women, as well. Women can tell a lot about the state of their relationship by kissing their partner. And if they're trying to size up a partner at the beginning of a relationship, they prefer gentle, closed-mouth kisses. They don't need all that much saliva to assess compatibility.

Women prefer men with medium-size lips: thick enough to convey compassion and friendliness, but not so large as to appear feminine.

Women are less inclined to use kissing as a way to reconcile after a fight, and most women aren't crazy about the idea of sex without kissing.

Men and Kissing

Men often use kissing to turn on a woman's sexual desire. Unconsciously, they may also use kissing to figure out the level of estrogen in a woman's saliva to determine her stage in the ovulation cycle and her fertility. Maybe that's why men are more likely than women to initiate wet, open-mouthed, saliva-swapping kisses. Women may also be assessing compatibility, but a woman's senses of taste and smell are more acute, and she can get by with a smaller saliva sample.


Men are attracted to women with naturally large lips. Think Angelina Jolie and the trend toward collagen injections. Why is that? Lips enlarge and flush darker when you're aroused, so plump, red lips signal sexual interest. Most women probably don't think about that connection when they're applying their lipstick. Lip plumpness peaks at age 14 in females, so full lips are also associated with youth and good health.



Men tend to use kissing to smooth over conflicts, but are more willing than women to have sex without kissing. So what does kissing mean to women? I'll post on that tomorrow.

Kissing - What It's Really About

Did you know that the testosterone in saliva can help trigger your sex drive? It doesn't hurt, of course, that your highly sensitive lips and tongue are also getting a workover. Basically, kissing activates romance, attachment, and sexual arousal - but that's not all it does.

Both men and women use kissing to assess genetic compatibility. That's why kissing someone new can be a major turn-on or can signal the beginning of the end. Scent plays a major role in determining compatibility, but saliva exchange may also play a role. According to Psychology Today, 66% of women and 59% of men have experienced a first kiss with a new person that instantly killed the attraction.

But men and women approach kissing differently. This week, I'll be posting on what kissing means for both sexes.

Another Oldie

Recently I recommended the 1990 movie "Wild Orchid" as a boost for your erotic imagination. I decided to watch "9 1/2 Weeks" - another oldie that also stars Mickey Roarke. I'd seen it once before - probably 20 years ago - but I'd forgotten most of it. This time around, it didn't do much for me. Not that it didn't contain some pretty erotic scenes, but it revolved around Mickey's need for ever-escalating sexual stimulation and control.

When sexual activity becomes compulsive and/or controlling, it is no longer joyful and life-affirming. It contaminates intimacy in a relationship and creates distance rather than closeness. You might want to check out "9 1/2 Weeks" - for some erotic imagery as well as a lesson in the dangers of compulsive sexuality.

Wild Orchid

My husband and I recently watched the movie "Wild Orchid", and I couldn't believe I'd missed out for so long. In case you've also missed this classic - made in 1990 - or even if it's just been a very long time since you've seen it, I want to encourage you to rent it or just look for it on one of the movie channels. It's an incredibly erotic movie that will give a boost to even the most lagging libidos.

Cold Feet

When it comes to differences between men and women, one place we see them for sure is in the bedroom. Neuropsychologist Dr. Louann Brizendine-author of The Female Brain-says that women must feel comfortable to be receptive to sex.

Just thinking about or visualizing sex sends bloods rushing to the penis. But it takes much more to put women in the mood. “Temperature and comfort are very important to achieving orgasm,” Dr. Brizendine says. “Researchers in the lab found that if they didn’t keep the woman’s feet warm, they had difficulty reaching climax. So cozy socks may not be sexy, but they get the job done.”

Romantic Getaways

Here is a list of the 14 Best Romantic US Getaways as listed by Travel and Leisure:

New York City
Whidbey Island, WA
Napa Valley, CA
Telluride, CO
Savannah, GA
Miami Beach, FL
Northern California Coast
San Francisco, CA
Honolulu, HI
Bar Harbor, MA
Maui, HI
Palm Springs, CA
Woodstock, VT
Sedona, AZ

The Great Outdoors

As discussed yesterday, vacations can be the perfect time to reenergize an otherwise stalled sex drive. But if a trip to an Hawaiian paradise is out of the financial picture, it doesn’t mean that you have to abandon adventure altogether.

A summer hike through the woods could provide the perfect opportunity for an outdoor tryst, and skinny dipping in a backyard pool could be both refreshing and exciting. You might even try pitching a tent in the back yard. The focus of these activities doesn’t necessarily need to center around sex, either. Fun and playfulness are crucial aspects to maintaining desire in any relationship. Plus, doing something adventurous with your partner increases dopamine, which in turn stimulates sexual excitement.

So don't despair if a big trip isn't included in your summer plans. If you get creative, your sex life can still reap the benefits of summer fun.

Vacation Sex

One of the joys of summer, as reported by FOXSexpert, Yvonne Fulbright, is the opportunity to have more vacation sex. Couples tend to go on vacation during the summer, reaping the benefits of a romantic destination. Submerged in a new environment, they thrive off a sense of adventure that emboldens their sexual ventures. With vacation lending itself to better moods, lovers find themselves experiencing increased sexual desire and response.

Being away from their laptops and cell phones further boosts a couple's summer "sexperiences." Far from office and home demands, couples feel more relaxed. The effect of simply loosening up makes for more amazing intimacy, and many couples experience a boost in the quality and quantity of sex. They also appreciate the fact that they're focusing on nothing more than their relationship and each other.

If you're lucky enough to have summer vacation plans, be sure to exploit the opportunity to invigorate your sex life.

Sunlight and Libido

With the warm, sunny days of summer replacing the cold, dark days of winter, many people are finding that their sex drive has also warmed up. Why is that? Our body chemistry and hormone levels are directly related to the sun. The amount of sunlight you receive affects the number of nerve messages sent to certain parts of the brain. This activity affects the level of certain brain chemicals such as serotonin and hormones such as melatonin. These chemicals and hormones are thought to affect your mood. So, with less sunlight in the winter months, changes in the balance of certain chemicals and hormones may trigger depression.

Even for those individuals who don’t find the dark winter months depressing, the warm, long days of summer may still elevate mood and libido. Although it is wise to limit direct sun exposure, spending more time outdoors this season may improve both your attitude and your sex life.

Out of Hibernation

Summer is here, and the time for hibernation is over. Many of us find it much easier to hole up in winter, eat more, exercise less, and decrease our daily activity as a direct result of cold and inclement weather. This season of hibernation can directly affect one’s sex life, however, and can cause emotional distance with a partner.

The sun is out, animals have left their lairs, and nature is calling. The time has come to move more, eat lighter meals, and reenergize a sluggish sex life. You may find that just a simple shift in attitude will awaken your sex drive.

Q and A Challenge

Here are some fun questions to discuss with your partner, taken from Hot Summer Sex: Touch, Touch, and More Touch by Al Link and Pala Copeland. First, each of you write down how you think your partner would answer the following questions. Then talk about your answers with each other, and see how well you did.

Where and how do you like to be touched?
What do you want sexually that you are reluctant to ask for?
What does your partner want sexually that you are reluctant to give?
Who usually wants sex more frequently?
Who usually wants sex to last longer?
List three things your partner likes the most during sex.
List three things your partner does not like during sex.
Invent a fun, safe non-verbal way to communicate with each other what you do and don’t like in lovemaking.

How Well Do You Know Your Partner's Body?

Yesterday, I discussed getting to know your partner's favorites as a way to increase connection. Today, I'll be exploring the more physical aspects of intimacy.

How well do you know your partner’s body? Have you ever looked deeply into your partner’s eyes and really examined the complexity of their color? Have you studied the curvature of your lover’s back, their birthmarks and freckles, or the lines on the palms of their hands?

You might be surprised at all that you see when you really take the time to study the miraculous beauty and intricacies of the human form. Let this exploration be both playful and safe. Anything that increases intimacy supports a great sex life.

Getting to Know Each Other - Favorites

Over the next couple of days, I will be posting about how well you know your partner. Sexual satisfaction begins in the brain and is intrinsically linked to intimacy. Knowing your partner's likes and dislikes, favorite things, and feelings can be a major turn-on and leads to a deeper, more meaningful relationship. Try making a game out of getting to know your partner better. Compose a list of questions and try guessing your partner's answers before they reveal them. Even those of you have been together for a number of years might be surprised at what you may learn about your partner.

Here are a few ‘favorite’ starters: Food, color, animal, perfume, actress, actor, TV show, alcoholic drink, game, flower, writer, singer, poem, painter, car, dessert, ice cream, or secret fantasy. The possibilities are endless.

Tomorrow, the body…

Cooling Down and Heating Up

Yesterday, I posted on the power of touch and the hormone oxytocin. The summer season is a perfect time to heat up your sex life through touch and increase skin-to-skin contact. Here are a number of ways you can rev up your sex life this summer, both in and out of the bedroom:

1. Rub your partner with sunscreen, lotion, or moisturizer after a day at the beach or an afternoon by the pool.

2. Take a shower together to cool off after enjoying a late-night dinner out on the deck.

3. For a really sexy cool-down, take turns rubbing ice cubes on each other’s bodies. Combine this activity with exploratory kissing of the nipples, neck, stomach, and toes.

4. Sleep in the nude.

There is not reason that the rising temperatures outside can’t raise the heat in the bedroom, as well.

Love Potion

Many think that love potions are mythical concoctions created to woo a suitor into falling in love, but do they actually exist? To some degree, they do, and the most powerful elixir of love is absolutely free: oxytocin. A mammalian hormone released as a neurotransmitter in the brain, oxytocin is responsible for bonding, touch, love, and maternal behaviors.

Oxytocin is released when you bond with another person and causes you to want touch, which in turn, makes you feel good and desire more. Women, because of their high estrogen levels, are especially affected by oxytocin. Generally, the more a woman is touched, the faster she’ll make the shift into a sexual mindset and will feel the desire to bond.

Although this love potion can’t be bottled and sold on department store shelves, it is literally right at your fingertips. Touch is a very powerful aphrodisiac

Pleasure Profile

Over the last week, I've posted on the sexual pleasure myths as reported by the Journal of Sexual Medicine. The truth is, however, that although studies are helpful in researching human behavior, pleasure can not be adequately described in a survey. Pleasure is highly individualized, especially in regard to sexual activity.

Sexual pleasure is dependent on many things. Safety, security, trust, comfort, and arousal all affect the pleasure centers of the brain. It is important to know and understand your body to better understand what pleasure means to you. By exploring your own pleasure profile, you can better give and receive pleasure with your partner.

Sexual Pleasure Myths cont.'

Myth #4: Drug companies maintain the myth that longer is better

True. According to the research conducted at Penn State and posted in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, the pharmaceutical companies who manufacture and market erectile dysfunction drugs have a huge financial interest in perpetuating the myth that longer sexual intercourse is more pleasurable.

Although there are millions of men who seek the aid of drugs because they suffer from erectile dysfunction, there are also millions of men who use medication to improve their sexual performance. The pharmaceutical companies feed this growing market of men by maintaining the myth that women want longer sessions of intercourse in order to be pleasured.

Sexual Pleasure Myths cont.'

Myth #3: The longer intercourse lasts, the better the sexual pleasure.

False. Although the Penn State pleasure study did find that most people agreed that 1-2 minutes of intercourse was too short, longer intercourse wasn’t necessarily better. Most participants agreed with sex therapists-‘normal’ intercourse usually lasted somewhere between 3-13 minutes, with 7 minutes being average. The research indicated that for most individuals, 10-30 minutes of intercourse was too long.

Of course, individual preference is the key, but the study dispelled the myth that long sessions of intercourse should be the sexual goal. Couples who compared themselves to this unrealistic standard actually set themselves up for disappointment.

Mayo Clinic Psychologist, David Osborne, Ph.d., was noted as saying that the most important consideration for a fulfilling sexual relationship wasn’t “whether a couple’s sexual activity matches some average, but whether each partner is satisfied and comfortable with the sexual relationship.”

Sexual Pleasure Myths Cont.

Myth #2: Sexual satisfaction is based on the man’s erection

False. The Penn State researchers not only found that sexual satisfaction was not based on the size of a man’s penis, but that satisfaction was not based on the man’s erection, either. Neither size nor erection seemed to directly impact pleasure. What they did determine was that satisfaction was affected more by the amount of time spent from penetration to ejaculation.

Sexual Myths

For the next couple of days, I will be posting on the results of a Penn State study on sexual pleasure. According to the study, as posted in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, there are a number of commonly held sexual myths that may be negatively impacting your sex life.

Myth #1: Sexual Satisfaction is based on the size of a man’s penis.

False. According to the researchers, sexual satisfaction in the majority of cases is not based on the size of a man’s penis. Most women report the same sexual satisfaction regardless of her partner’s size.

The Butterfly

Here's one more exercise for sexual health. Lie on your back with knees bent. Feet should be together and flat on the bed. Next, pull your feet in until they touch your buttocks. Turn your ankles so the soles of your feet are facing each other and touching. Your knees will point out to the sides of the bed. Lower your knees toward the bed taking care not to force them down. You or your partner may gently press downward on your inner thighs. When your knees are as far apart as is comfortable, hold for 60 seconds. Gently bring the knees back together with your hands and relax.

This exercise can also be done sitting up, back-to-back with your partner. Sit up as straight as possible with your spines pressed gently together. Relax your shoulders and keep your head in line with your spine. Bring your feet in as close to your body as possible, and turn them so your soles touch and knees point out. Clasp your feet. Breathe deeply and watch as your knees begin to lower, taking care not to force the knees down.
The butterfly is also beneficial for menstrual irregularities and urinary problems and is thought to help ease the pain of childbirth.

Pelvic Stretches

In addition to Kegels, there are several other exercises that help keep the muscles used during sex limber and flexible and help facilitate orgasm. The following stretches can be done in the bedroom on a firm mattress or on the floor. Wear either loose clothing or nothing at all, and consider playing your favorite music. See if you can get your partner to join you.

Pelvic Lifts: Lie on your back with knees bent and slightly apart. Feet should be flat on the floor and arms at your side. Inhale, clenching your abdominals and buttocks and lifting the pelvis until your back is straight. Take care not to arch your back. Breathe as you hold the position for at least 10 seconds. Exhale as you lower your body and repeat the exercise.

After you complete your lifts, try a few pelvic bounces, an exercise that can "evoke powerful sexual feelings," according to sex therapists David and Ellen Ramsdale.

For a variation on the pelvic lift, keep knees bent and slightly apart. Your palms should face up. Inhale and lift your pelvis just slightly off the ground. Then, exhale and let it down so your lower back bounces gently against the floor. Experiment with variations. Your goal is to feel a sense of openness and release.

Sexual Warm-Ups

Though I've mentioned Kegel exercises in the past, I think it's a subject worth posting on again. Unlike the muscles in your arms or legs, sex muscles are rarely active during the course of the day. However, by strengthening these "secret" muscles, couples can enjoy more intense sex.

Kegel exercises firm the muscles of the vagina, helping women gain muscle control (to grip the penis) and reach orgasm more easily. But Kegels aren't just for women. Men can use this exercise to delay ejaculation by contracting the pubococcygeal (PC) muscles just before orgasm, then fully relaxing them.

Here's a reminder if you've forgotten how Kegels work: Contract your PC muscles by clenching, as though stopping urine, and hold for at least two to three seconds per squeeze. Inhale as you squeeze each time and try to fully relax your muscles between each contraction. So you don't get sore, start with just 10 or 20 squeezes. Kegels can be practiced nearly anytime and in any place.
Practice until you can do at least 100 to 200 each day. "The squeeze" is easy and can stimulate erotic feelings. Daily workouts for about one month should yield results.

Exercise for Sex

According to Discovery Health, the surest way to whet sexual appetite and increase sexual activity is through physical exercise. Here's what they have to say: Aerobic exercise revs up hormones, flushes stress, whittles away fat and rejuvenates the body. Regular exercise also increases blood flow to the genitals, priming men and women for sex.

A University of California study of middle-aged, sedentary men found that after just one hour of exercise three times a week, the men demonstrated improved sexual function, more frequent sex and greater satisfaction. Similarly, researchers at Bentley College in Massachusetts found that women in their 40s engaged in sex more often (about seven times per month), and enjoyed it more than a sedentary group of peers.

Since sex can be an act of endurance, improving cardiovascular fitness with aerobic activity such as walking, running, cycling or swimming for at least 30 minutes, three times per week, will help both partners perform longer and more often. Keeping core muscles strong helps increase strength and stamina, adding to prolonged, more pleasurable sex.

Intimacy

Yesterday I quoted Thomas Moore on the gifts of sex, one of which is intimacy. But what is
intimacy and can sex truly provide it? The answer is both yes and no.

The word intimacy has come to take on sexual connotations, but true intimacy is much more than the physical act of sex. Real intimacy actually refers to a close connection with another person as a result of entering into a deep and meaningful relationship. Intimate relationships exist between partners, but they can also exist between friends, parents, and children. Deep intimacy involves revealing yourself completely to another person and allowing your heart to been seen.

We all have physical, emotional, mental, social, and spiritual needs that we want to have met within our primary relationship. When all of these areas are working in harmony in our lives, sex can provide a deep, intimate connection. If intimacy is not present, however, the sexual relationship will not satisfy us and our true needs go unmet.

To have a meaningful sexual relationship, you must first have an intimate connection. This happens through closeness and tenderness, sharing of your passions and interests, and a solid foundation of friendship and respect. Intimacy and sex can be vitally linked, but only when you are coming from a place of open communication and honest emotion.

If you're feeling like your sexual life is suffering, perhaps you should first work at restoring intimacy to the relationship. The rewards will extend far beyond the bedroom.

Quote

Here's a great quote from Thomas Moore's Dark Night of the Soul: "Sex involves precisely those things that are most important to the soul: love, curiosity, fantasy, desire, pleasure, intimacy, and sensation."

Is there anything else that engages you on so many different levels?

Sharing and Acting Out Fantasies

I've been asked whether it's advisable to share fantasies with a partner and maybe even act them out. Sharing and acting out fantasies requires a great deal of trust on the part of both partners. Of course, it depends somewhat on the nature of the fantasy being shared. If you would fully expect your partner to respond with disgust and revulsion at the suggestion of acting out one of your more bizarre fantasies, you're probably better off keeping it as mental imagery. A fantasy and a reality can be experienced very differently.

I would recommend using some caution in deciding whether or not to share your most private fantasies. Risking self-disclosure can promote greater openness and trust which can enhance intimacy - and some role-playing during sex can spice up a sex life that's become too routine - but sometimes the sharing of fantasies creates a great deal of distress in couple relationships. It's smart to do a cost/benefit analysis.

Can Your Fantasy Life Be Harmful?

The great majority of sexual fantasies remain just that - fantasies. Just because you fantasize about sex with your 18-year-old babysitter or you imagine having an army of personal sex slaves doesn't mean you're going to act out those fantasies. Most people use sexual fantasies as a way to spice up their sex life or as an accompaniment to masturbation. But is there a risk to fantasizing?

The primary downside to fantasizing - particularly when it isn't shared with a partner - is that it can be a barrier to intimacy. When you're involved in a mental screen play while engaging in sex with your partner, you're not really present. It may be one of the reasons that so many people prefer making love with the lights out and their eyes closed - it allows the world of fantasy to come to life. Some people don't even want sound intruding into their private fantasy world and may go so far as to ask their partner to be silent during sex. It's not surprising that a lover may feel objectified and 'cheated on' if their partner is starring in their own personal and private sex scene.

Fantasizing can also be problematic when it is compulsive or becomes the only way that a person can get turned on or function sexually. An over-reliance on fantasy during sex or a preference for masturbating to a fantasy over sex with a partner creates distance in relationships and often induces shame and guilt.

For the most part, fantasies are harmless. Just be sure you're not missing out on the real thing.

How Weird ARE You?

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What Is a Fantasy?

Is that a stupid question? Are we all talking about the same thing when we use the word fantasy? Probably not. There are lots of fantasies that have nothing to do with sex and are focused on improbable dreams of being a rock star or a lottery-winner. We all have daydreams that reflect our unfulfilled desires and secret longings. But sexual fantasies are often puzzling in that they are poorly understood and may seem completely inconsistent with what an individual might want in real life.

So I'll start with a definition - this one is from Who's Been Sleeping In Your Head by Brett Kahr: A sexual fantasy is a conscious thought or set of thoughts that contain a depiction of a sexual act or acts, a sexual scene or scenes, sexual imagery, and often sexual language, which will produce pleasurable sensations ranging from mental enjoyment to physical arousal in the genitalia. A sexual fantasy can be a fleeting thought lasting only a few seconds or can be a complex narrative that continues for 30 minutes or more. It can be accompanied by masturbation leading to orgasm, or it can occur in our minds during foreplay or intercourse with another person. For most adult men and women, the same sexual fantasy is replayed again and again.

Think your personal sexual fantasy is weird? I'll explore that topic tomorrow.

Fantasies

Another one of the workshops I attended at AASECT was on fantasies. It's a fasinating subject because fantasies exist in an individual's very private, subterranean world and are frequently unshared, even with a sexual partner. Many people wonder if their fantasies are 'normal', especially if the content is something they would never want to enact in real life. Others wonder if fantasizing about someone other than their partner during sex means that their relationship is in trouble - or even if it's a form of infidelity.

Though fantasies can provide a great deal of pleasure, they are also a source of guilt and anxiety. Next week I'll be posting on some of the perplexing questions posed by fantasy.

Have a great holiday weekend! I'll be back on Tuesday.

Outercourse

One of the workshops I attended at the AASECT conference was on painful bladder syndrome or interstitial cystitis. It's only one of several disorders that make intercourse a painful proposition. When intercourse becomes painful, it's only natural that a couple's sex life can take a major hit. But rather than avoiding sex altogether, it's important that couples get creative and talk openly about new ways of remaining physically intimate.

In addition to oral and manual stimulation, couples may want to experiment with outercourse. Basically, outercourse involves the use of a lubricant while the penis is thrusting between the thighs or between the breasts. The former can be done from a spooning position or the standard missionary position. If couples want to continue having intercourse, careful thrusting and experimenting with different positions such as side-to-side or angled missionary can be helpful.

Chronic pain can be very debilitating. It's critical that a person dealing with this kind of pain not feel isolated and alone. Maintaining intimacy in the couple relationship decreases the sense of aloneness and helps a couple stay on the same side of the problem.

State of Affairs

I forgot to mention in yesterday's post that I was on National Public Radio's State of Affairs program yesterday discussing Taking Sexy Back. If you missed the program and are interested in listening to it, you can access it by going to http://www.wfpl.org/ and then clicking on State of Affairs. The program will be available in the archives.

More Sex Toys

Yesterday I mentioned a couple of new sex toys I was able to check out at the conference I just attended. Today, I want to pass along some more information on a few more popular products and websites you might want to explore.

At www.sportsheets.com, you can find products that tickle, restrain, or just provide leverage for maximum pleasurable contact. The website includes video demonstrations of the various products. The company is a little heavy into bondage but also offers items that assist with sexual positioning.

At www.we-vibe.com, you'll find information about the 2008 "Sex Toy of the Year." The we-vibe is a clitoral and G-Spot vibrator that is worn during lovemaking. And yes, there is still room for a penis in there. If you are wondering how that's possible, there is an anatomical diagram provided on the website.