Female Arousal

I've posted several times on the complexities of female arousal. Mary Roach, the author of Bonk, discovered some interesting research on the connection between a woman's mind and body. Using a device called an arousometer, a researcher studied the photoplethysmograph responses of three groups of women to erotic film clips: one group with arousal disorder, one with orgasm disorder, and a control group. The women with some dysfunction differed from the controls not in the physical changes that took place in their bodies while watching the clips, but in their awareness of the changes.

It turns out that the functional women - even those with only a small physical response to the erotic film - were able to notice and pay attention to their responses. In the dysfunctional group, many of the women had normal physical responses but didn't attend to them. These may be women who only feel aroused when there is an emotional, loving connection.

Women's sexual arousal signals are more subtle than men's. Part of the challenge for women is learning to tune in to their bodies, turn down the static, and get on the right channel.

Sex and the Election

Aside from whatever sex scandals might surface, you'd think sex would have little to do with the upcoming elections. But sex seems to be figuring quite prominently in the presidential race - as in who brings the most sex appeal to the ticket. Obama had that one hands down until McCain picked Palin as his running mate. Now when Palin meets with foreign leaders, the paper talks about the men "swooning", and people are rushing out to buy eyeglasses in the same style as Palin's. How important is sex appeal in our choice of candidates?

Though we've had plenty of decidedly unsexy occupants in the Oval Office, sex appeal undoubtedly adds something to the ticket. We're drawn not simply to attractiveness but to the energy, the excitement, and the charisma of a sexy politician. Gore and Kerry would be considered attractive by many people, but were crucified for being stiff and stuffy. McCain also suffers from a lack of perceived warmth and user-friendliness.

Clinton - that's Bill Clinton - epitomized the qualities people are drawn to instinctively - the ability to connect on a personal level, enthusiasm, confidence, warmth, and a relaxed intensity. I'm certainly not suggesting that sex appeal should be the primary criteria for selecting a candidate, but the fact that it plays such a big role in elections tells us something about the importance of sexuality in our own lives.

The Great Life Force

Sex connects us to our bodies – the vehicle through which we experience life. Thomas Moore says, “To look at and feel the naked human body is to behold, perhaps without much understanding, the mysteries of life.” Sex brings us to life and helps us live with passion and presence.

So what if you’re not involved in a sexual relationship? You are a sexual being whether you’re having sex or not. If you’re present in your body and your senses are alive, you can experience your sexuality in a passionate engagement with life. You can tap into your creativity and discover how to manifest your sexual impulses in the world. It may be through poetry or dance or cooking or intimate involvement with friends.

Sex is more than an expression of love and more than what two bodies do with one another. Our culture has trivialized sex. Try giving yourself permission to expand and deepen your understanding of this great life force.

More Than Love

If you limit sexuality to an expression of love, then you miss out on much that is playful and erotic about sex. You end up feeling guilty about the sexual thoughts and fantasies that pop up in your mind that have nothing to do with love, or you may be offended by your partner's erotic fantasies and desires.

Often the need to romanticize sex is rooted in a general discomfort with sex. Feelings of disgust and revulsion toward our 'animalistic' urges are a product of negative sexual conditioning both within our families and our culture. Those feelings can also result from hurtful or traumatic sexual experiences. When those feelings are not worked through and people aren't comfortable with sexuality, sex can only be enjoyed when it's air-brushed with gushing sentiment and candlelight.

Not that love and deep emotional intimacy aren't vital aspects of sex. But sex encompasses so much more. When you can bring your whole self to sexual expression, you not only increase your pleasure but enhance the connection with your partner, as well.

Sex and Life

Before the power outage knocked me off-line, I promised to talk about sex as more than an expression of love or a simple satisfaction of physical desire. I want to share a couple of thoughts from Thomas Moore's Dark Nights of the Soul:

"By bringing out your sensuality and vitality, at its best sex can connect you to society and to the natural world. It can be the vehicle by which you surrender to life and can restore a sense of your body. Sex accomplishes a great deal for the human soul through the emotional relationship and through sensuality."

"Sex involves precisely those things that are most important to the soul: love, curiosity, fantasy, desire, pleasure, intimacy, and sensation. In sex, there is no obvious work to be done and no particular outcome...In sex, the body is a world to be explored. ...practicality recedes. What happens then is of great significance to your sense of meaning, to feelings of relatedness, and to a sense of self."

If you're a person who says, "I just don't care about sex", your partner's needs may not be the only thing that's getting neglected. You may also be missing out on an important source of connection to your body and to the earth.

Back From the Dark

During the last week as I struggled - along with countless others - without power at home or at the office, I realized how many activities require electricity. I didn't miss TV much, but I did miss keeping up with email, and I really missed home-cooked meals and reading before going to sleep. I was reminded that sex works just as well as reading in promoting good sleep.

Do you think there was a lot more sex going on in electricity-deprived cities last week? I hope people took advantage of the darkness, of the earlier bedtimes, of a little less busy-ness and a little slower pace to talk more with their partners and rediscover the delight of each other's bodies. Life in Louisville has returned to a more or less normal routine these days, but couples who took advantage of the outage to generate their own electricity between the sheets might want to consider the on-going value of turning off the lights and the TV just a little bit earlier each night.

Avoidance?

I often hear men complain about the need many women seem to have for conditions to be 'just right' before sex is a possibility. The conditions vary but often include complete privacy (no one else in the house), being 'in the mood', things being 'right' in the relationship, a romantic prelude, a clean house, etc. etc. Men find these conditions to be more than a little frustrating, and often conclude that it just amounts to more avoidance.

Maybe, maybe not. Women's sexuality is complex, and if a woman has not nurtured her sexuality and become comfortable as a sexual being, then it doesn't take much to shut down her sexual response. If she's only ok with sex when it's couched in romance and is preceded by emotional intimacy, then she will miss many opportunities for pleasure and relaxation.

Starting next week, I'll be posting on how sex can be more than an expression of emotion or a simple satisfaction of physical desire.